T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, your in-laws won’t shut the fuck up and you’re running dangerously low on booze and patience. Kids who aren’t yours keep whining about Santa and you’re doing all you can not to put each one of them in a sleeper hold until tomorrow morning. As the night winds down, take these last few hours you have to yourself before your living room becomes a wasteland of wrapping paper and shredded boxes. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve compiled a list of some of my favorite holiday movies to distract you from the chaos and carnage that is to shortly follow.
Die Hard (1988) – If you want a classic anti-Christmas movie, look no further than John McTiernan’s classic created from author Roderick Thorp’s novel. Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman star in an action movie so balls-t0-the-wall awesome, you’ll forget it’s Christmas Eve and want to start killing heavily-accented villains that happened to take control of a high rise that also happen to have your separated wife held captive. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.
Gremlins (1984) – Being a child of the late 80’s and early 90’s, there are a wide variety of instant classics that people tend to forget take place on or around Christmas. Joe Dante’s Gremlins happens to be one of them. So a young man breaks some important rules concerning his new pet that he bought from some shady dude who looks like Confucius. One thing leads to another and an onslaught of creatures are unleashed on a small town just in time for the holidays. It’s cute, cuddly and horrifying all at the same time.
Batman Returns (1992) – Way before George Clooney’s Bat-nipples and even further back before Christian Bale’s laryngitis voice, Michael Keaton played the Caped Crusader (and some say still is the best). After the setting of the first film, when The Joker plummets off a ridiculously tall bell tower, Batman is back to save Gotham from The Penguin, Catwoman and Max Shreck, played by Christopher Walken. Crazy clowns, maniacs breathing fire and penguins with shoulder-mounted rockets all stand in Batman’s way. Will he save Gotham just in time for the holidays?
The Exorcist (1973) – Because nothing screams Merry Christmas like seeing a possessed chick sucker punch her mom and use a crucifix as a dildo.
Whatever you end up watching to pass the time this evening, remember that you only get to celebrate for a just a few more hours. And let’s be serious, who the fuck wants to watch A Christmas Story for 400th fucking time?
Helen Keller has more gift-wrapping skills than I do,