25 Days of Douchebaggery: Day 23: Pseudo Joe’s Wish List

WL1  1. An endless supply of bacon

Bacon is simply the most delicious meat in existence. I feel extremely bad for vegans and anyone else who can’t eat it for a religious reason or whatever. They are most definitely not living their lives to the fullest without bacon being a constant part of them. You can always count on bacon to taste delicious, whether it’s cooked nice and tender or burnt to a crisp. My friends and I are so obsessed with bacon that we call our breakfast outings simply “Bacon.” Yes, with a capital B. There’s nothing else like it in the world, which is why I honestly don’t give a shit that it clogs my arteries and causes my cholesterol to skyrocket.


2. An endless supply of cream and sugar

I take my coffee like Winston Wolfe from Pulp Fiction. Lots of cream, lots of sugar. Some people may say I have a “coffWL2ee issue” because they notice the metric fuckton of sugar packets and half and half containers that are next to my plate at the end of my diner breakfast. Come to think of it, maybe I do have a bit of an issue. But coffee is delicious with gratuitous amounts of cream and sugar. You can never have enough. Except maybe when the cream starts making the coffee cold. Then you can start cutting down on the cream. But never on the sugar. People who drink coffee black – now they’re the ones who have a “coffee issue.” I cannot understand for the life of me how anyone can drink it that way. Coffee tastes bitter as hell with absolutely nothing in it.


3. An endless supply of Gingerbread Hot Chocolate from IHOP

I don’t know what they put in it. And I probably don’t want to know because it probably has the potential to do things to my body that it can never undo. All I know is WL3that it’s fucking delicious, so I can easily overlook that. And it needs to be available year-round because it is too fantastic not to be. If Coffee Mate can sell Pettermint Mocha flavored creamer year-round, there’s no reason why gingerbread flavored hot chocolate can’t be available at everyone’s favorite pancake house for 365 days out of the year. My only complaint is that it has so much whipped cream in the huge cup they give you that it makes the hot chocolate cold. So just hold back on that and it’s good to go.

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