25 Days of Douchebaggery: Day 22: Jingle All The Way aka A Very Materialistic Christmas

JINGLE-ALL-THE-WAY_XLPHAT Man here, just letting you know that the movie Jingle All The Way is the most materialistic movie ever made. I enjoyed this Christmas film back in the 90’s but after watching it at the age of twenty seven I must say this movie must have been every parent’s nightmare.  The whole premise of the movie is based around this super-popular action figure that looks like a ghetto version of the Flash. Some little spoiled turd of a child pretty much begs his Dad (Arnold Schwarzenegger) for the doll as a Christmas gift but unfortunately for the kid, Arnold’s a shitty father who doesn’t remember dick about his own kid. So the movie starts following Arnold who goes to extreme lengths to get his child a Turbo Man doll but it turns out it’s Christmas Eve and none are in stock within a 50 mile radius. Do we really need a Christmas movie showing parents going to absurd lengths to try and get a hold of a toy? Isn’t it bad enough this shit happens in real life to the extent of people trampling other people to death trying to bust in the front door of Best Buy three hours after eating Thanksgiving dinner?

jingle_all_the_wayAt one point in the movie an alcoholic mail man (played by Sin Bad) pulls out a “mail bomb” and threatens to blow up an entire radio station just so he can get a hold of this Turbo Man doll. Holy shit on a shingle, is that not a little extreme? Are there parents who will really lay out a mo’fucker if it meant their child could have a certain toy? If I ever have kids and a toy on their wishlist was sold out completely, I’d be like “Sorry Charlie, put the fuckin iPhone down and get your ass to the Nike sweatshop, nobody eats for free in this house anymore.” Wait, let me not forget that the movie include’s a scene showing Arnold Schwarzenegger buying a black market Turbo Man doll from a factory of disgruntled Santas. Good god, the Pirate Bay just got shut down like a week ago, do we need to promote the idea of buying black market toys now? I think this movie may have been all good back in the 90’s because non materialistic people existed unlike now where people are sleeping on sidewalks for weeks in anticipation for a new cellphone. For Christmas, you ask? Pfff, fuck no, this is a random week in March where half our nation calls out of work to play Survivor Man on the sidewalk outside the local mall.

jingle-all-the-way-originalI truly believe these modern day kids cannot handle/enjoy Jingle All The Way because they themselves are probably more needy than the kid in the move. And usually Christmas films leave you walking away with some type of lesson learned but in this case it ends just as materialistic as it begins. If you have kids, do not show them this movie. Instead, show them Home Alone so they can learn how to protect your house when you’re not home which will prevent you from spending money on a Slowmin’s Shield.

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