25 Days of Douchebaggery: Day 20: Santa’s Goomah: Part 3

SantasGoomah2The next day, I received the call I had been dreading all night.

“Vinny, get to my office now. We have to talk.”

“Uh, sure, Mrs. C. I’ll be right there.”

When I got to her office, I couldn’t believe the stone-faced yet angry expression she had. I had never seen Mrs. Edith Claus in this state. She was always so perky and full of life.

“I talked to my husband, and he said it was all a lie. Who put you up to this?”

I shook my head. “No one put me up to it. Everything I said in the email is the truth. I told you because you need to know. I was just trying to do the right thing.”

“There is no way in hell Santa would do this to me!” she yelled. “He said someone must have hacked into his email account. It was Sal, wasn’t it?”

“No,” I quickly replied. Mrs. Claus raised her eyebrows. I sighed. “Yes, it was.” Ok, that may have been me being a bad friend, so I felt bad about that. But, hey, he is our tech elf, and he happens to be my best friend. It’s not like it wasn’t obvious.

“You two created those emails in order to try to get us to break up!” she exclaimed.

“Why the hell would we do that?” I protested.

“Because you are trying to destroy Christmas so you don’t have to work as an elf anymore!”

I hate to admit it, but Edie sounded like some whiny, bratty kid who didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas. It was quite disheartening.

“Mrs. Claus, with all due respect, do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?”

SantasGoomah3“I’m going to tell Santa that you and Sal confessed to creating those emails and I will demand that he fire you from your current positions and force you to do something you absolutely hate.”

“Mrs. Claus, you can’t do that!”

“Get out of my office – now!”

“Mrs. Claus, please –”

She marched toward the door and opened it for me. I stormed out, and she slammed it shut.

I knew instantly what I had to do. I had to talk some sense into Santa and get him to confess. I was determined to make this right and save my ass in the process. I mean, really, what the fuck else is an elf supposed to do with his life? I refused to be forced to become a dentist. Fuck you, Hermey.

When I got to Santa’s office, I knocked on his door. There was no answer. This time I waited before opening the door anyway.

“What do you want, Vinny?” Santa growled.

“Santa, please don’t do this. You’ve got to tell her the truth. She said she’s going to tell you to take care of Sal and me. You can’t do this to us. We don’t deserve this.” I could see Santa’s face start to soften. “You know Sal and I both work very hard, and you’d be losing two very important elves. And all of the other elves will resent you for it. Do you really want that? Huh, Santa?”

He looked at me with sad eyes. He then took a deep breath and said, “You’re absolutely right, Vinny. I’ll tell Edie the truth. And I’m sorry you had to wind up in the middle of this. I never wanted that.”

I tend to hold grudges, but that was such a sincere apology, I’ll totally forgive him in like 11 or 12 years. Maybe.

After Santa told his wife everything, Mrs. Claus proclaimed that I should get the promotion for being honest. I’m now the Assistant Director of the Mail Department. Believe it or not, sometimes it actually does pay (literally) to do the right thing.

SantasGoomah7Sure, Santa is a horny old man, and what he did was obviously wrong, but no one is perfect. I’m just bitter that he was careless enough to allow me to find out about it. And sure, Mrs. Claus was devastated at first, but she’s a strong woman and she’ll be fine. She has continued to help out with running things here at the North Pole, even after separating from Santa. As always, children come first, and there was no way Santa’s fuckup was going to ruin Christmas.

As for Christine, what can I say? She seems to have no morals, and she’ll always be a slut.

But anyway, Buon Natale!

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