The season is finally upon us. The slutty costumes are put away until next year, when you’ll most likely forget the ass you made of yourself at every bar in your area. All the pumpkins are smashed and trees are barren as fuck. Welcome to yet another end of the year kicked off by stuffing your gaping face hole, sleeping, waking up and gearing up for the the most no-holds-barred shopping day that America has ever known. Although there are some of you that will without a doubt ruin the evening for retail workers nationwide, I figure I’d take a step back from bitching about early shoppers and trampled Walmart employees and say what I’m thankful for this year.
First and foremost, I’m thankful for the mother fucking internet. Without it, myself, The PHAT Man and the rest of our ridiculous writing staff would probably babbling half of our nonsense to friends and loved ones. But seriously, think about where your sad, shell of a life would be without being “online?” The phones you carry, the laptops you lug around and all of your rampant porn addictions would all be for nothing if it wasn’t for this fantastic invention that send dick pics and watch movies while you fly. Aside from being a source of almost limitless information, think about the social impact that the internet has. Back in the day, when your friends and/or family moved away, you’d have to send them handwritten letters or call those cheap bastards long distance. Now, when you least want it to happen, your very abrasive aunt once removed will blow up your phone with FaceTime. So whether it’s listening to us bitch, moan and inform on our podcasts or video chatting with people halfway across the world, realize that your life would probably suck balls without the internet.
It’s no surprise that video games are the tits. If you told people one hundred years ago that you’d be able to play through a cinematic adventure on a colorful screen, they probably would have lobotomized your ass and stuffed you in a closet somewhere. Now you can interact with an on-screen avatar with strangers and your friends all over the world. While this is amazing, it gets a bit more personal for me. Online gaming actually scored me a bad ass job and a roommate/best friend. Seriously, without that shit I’d probably one of those poor bastard Black Friday security guards being bulldozed tomorrow morning. So, for what it’s worth, when people tell you that you’re wasting your time “hanging out” online with your friends, kindly tell them to fuck off. Connections are how most people get the opportunities that they have. Sometimes they happen to be with friends, yelling at preteens and playing Call of Duty.
Last but not least, I’ll always be thankful family that support me and are there regardless of the situation. What a lot of people fail to realize is that these are the people that you get to hand pick to make your life better (or worse you goddamn masochist). And your family doesn’t have to be the douchey relatives that happen to be associated by blood. Family are those that complement your life, not make snide remarks about how that BA in Art History will end you up homeless and sucking toes for money in some alley. They are the hand picked individuals that are there through the good and the bad, mentoring you about everything from relationships to advice on booze selection. Without getting overly sentimental, remember that this holiday season you should trim the fat and focus on those that matter. Fuck the rest of them.
So just remember that this season you shouldn’t be focusing on all the random shit you’ll be getting from those around you. Be thankful for the resources you have and for the people that don’t make life a living, breathing eternal hell from which there is no escape (like Kansas or Arkansas).
Jersey John (and the rest of the TGOM family)