There are a number of problems with the Global Community these days. As a way of demonstrating my greatness, I will break these problems down for your child-like mind on a first grade level. Then, you can go back to painting for your mommy and daddy. (If you get finger-paints on anyone else’s smock but your own, I will call your father and have him beat you with a yard stick in front of your peers. Then, I’ll make him shit on your painting and burn all of your college savings on a divorce). After I explain the dilemma of the Global Community, you will agree that there is only one obvious solution to end all of our problems.
1. War makes money via private corporations who specialize in destruction. The United States of America needs money to pay an enormous amount of debt. Thus, more war would help our economy.
2. The U.S. of A. also prides itself on equality. Yet, our enemies are fighting with rocks, the bones of their fellow soldiers and modified Nerf guns. We need to level the playing field for them. America has been 0 for 7 on our past equality issues. Time to change that.
3. Most animals are homeless and not under the care of humans. They are lost in the wilderness; searching for purpose. We can give them the most glorious purpose of all.
4. Last and certainly not least, the planet is polluted. Vehicles are to blame for this pollution. If we were to eliminate vehicles in combat, we could set an example for the rest of humanity.
See what I mean? The solution to all of our problems is so easy that a blind Mormon could figure it out. Right?… YOU DAFT HALF-WIT! You don’t get it, do you? Obviously, the answer to all the problems of the Global Community is to send super militarized animals in battle! Tactical America Animal Action Enforcement League or T.A.A.A.E.L. for short (As in the body part that sticks out above an animal’s anus. The tail) Just think of how much better the world would be if America sent animals overseas to wage war.
Terrorists are suspected to be in the village of Akla-Gardimek. A Sloth-sniper takes out his binoculars and signals to a herd of HippopotaMissiles. The Hippos unleash their projectiles on the demon village. Boarded on these projectiles- PROBOSCIS MONKEYS (The ugliest. Most terrifying. Nose-iest animals in all of the universe) Just one look at a Proboscis Monkey and the terrorists will begin to worship a new god. That new god? AMERICA!!!
Have the leaders of the world headed this advice? No. Because nobody wants to listen to a sharply dressed Baboon for fear that their species will be overthrown and forced to live in sewers because James Franco didn’t follow Veterinary protocol.
To be continued…