Have you ever been looking forward to the perfect day? You’re up early on your day off for the first time in ages. You’ve decided to get out of the house and sit down at some beatnik coffee shop where everyone is painfully excited about every drink you order. Then suddenly, like an unsuspecting plague of locust, mothers and their hell-spawn emerge from the outside world and fuck up shit up like they’re in a Japanese Hardcore Death Match. Children are an inescapable evil that most have just come to deal with in everyday life. While most of the world has become completely content with banging out as many creatures as they can, there are still a few holdouts that continue to bask in the glory that is child freedom. Do I have the utmost respect for parents who raise their kids to be upstanding members of society who avoid becoming rampant sociopaths or cannibals? Absolutely, but with that said, sometimes people go to places with the expectation that there will not be sugar-addled toddlers wreaking havoc laying waste to said location. With all of that said, there are places your kid doesn’t belong.
Any Movie After 11 pm. There are reasons that myself and many others will frequent the cinema at late hours of the day. Midnight showings quickly come to mind. There’s nothing like being surrounded by masses of weirdos dressed as their favorite movie character. Being the first in a group to witness a movie that you’ve anticipated for years is a great feeling. You know what isn’t great? When the bass kicks in during the sickest explosion scene you’ve ever viewed with your eyeballs triggers the crying of someone’s newborn child. You know what’s even worse than that? The fact that keeps happening over and over until you have to fight the urge to hurl the tiny screaming human like a live hand grenade. I know it must suck not being able to get out to the movies as much once you have kids. Consider the flip side: unleashing the shrill cries, ones that you’ve undoubtedly grown accustomed to over your many sleepless nights, onto a theater full of moviegoers is pretty inconsiderate. Wait for it to come out on Blu-ray or bootleg that shit.
Dog Parks. I don’t know if there is a shortage of parks or playgrounds for parents to bring their children to but this one seems like a no-brainer. Believe it or not, but the furry creature that you traded a stranger money for might get tired of you being its only goddamn friend for 95% of its life. This is why dog parks exist; the ability for your dog to socialize with pooches may curb the resentment they have towards you (and save a few pair of your shoes). What dog parks aren’t for is the socialization of toddlers to other dogs. Most of the places I’ve seen have signs that prohibit kids (either under a certain age or altogether) because, believe it or not, it isn’t a playground. Many people unfortunately lack their own backyards for their overactive pups to release the energy they want to. They also allow your pussy of a dog to become familiar with other dogs (who may also be big ole pussies). And no matter how gnarly your kid might look, it isn’t a dog. Letting children approach unfamiliar animals just proves that some parents suck and could care less about the well-being of little Tommy or Suzy. So when they get jumped on or bit by a roughhousing pack of dogs, the parents sue and a dog gets euthanized in the process, it’s a pretty fucked time for all parties involved. Do dog lovers a favor and keep your spawn in a McDonald’s ball pit instead. Also check them for pink-eye afterwards.
Bars. Ah, yes. Your favorite alcoholic establishment isn’t even safe from some parents who haven’t quite escaped their twenties and think that everything is still on the table when babies are involved. Honestly, this just screams common-fucking-sense but if there isn’t a Kids Menu, any highchairs or a changing table in the establishment, there’s a pretty good chance that it isn’t kid friendly. While I’m enjoying an alcoholic beverage (or many) I tend to become more profanity-laden than my usual sober self. During such a tirade where some Jameson and several shots have lead me to embellish even my most ridiculous story, the last thing I want to kill my buzz is a scowl-faced mother or father judging me. That may seem selfish but I’m not exactly allowed to get fucked up at my Chuck-E-Cheez, regaling stories of drunken sex and debauchery, now am I?
My Front Lawn. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.
The list of where children shouldn’t be can go on for what seems like eternity. While I’m not the biggest fan of unruly kids, what pisses me off more are irresponsible and oblivious parents that think the world should bend to their beck and call because they’ve decided to procreate and be bad examples to their creations. Get a grip and realize that the world changes when you become a parent and some people don’t want to deal with that shit.
I’m the guy who tells your kid to eat a bag of dicks on Xbox Live,