Are you tired of being a bitch? Tired of taking on the role of a submissive grunt in the workplace? Well there is hope for you. I’m ‘Captain American Advertising’, and today I’m here to show you the path to enlightenment. That’s right folks, I’m going to summarize my Pulitzer Prize winning self-help book, Become A Psychopath, Not A Bitch. And I’m going to do it all for free! So get those notebooks out and get ready for an article that is sure to change your life… and end the lives of several of your coworkers.
Being a psychopath is fun, but it can be exhausting at times. That’s where our number one rule comes in, “Don’t blow your cover.” While slaughtering anyone who stands in your way can be a fucking thrill ride, its not always the most efficient way of reaching your goals. This is where voodoo dolls come in handy. Next time your boss asks you to carry out a menial task such as getting him or her coffee, take a deep breath and repress any narcissistic urge to use battery acid instead of creamer. Then, in the comfort of your own home, stab away at that handy voodoo doll. Use it to wipe your swamp ass. Or even hang it in front of your neighbor’s door step for kicks.
Another great tip is to always believe in yourself. Look at me. I, ‘Captain American Advertising’, was once like you: scanning groceries at a Path Mark hoping that the customer’s card would be declined so I could laugh at them. But then I learned the art of being a psychopath, and went from being a cashier to a CEO in just six months. Now that I’m a CEO, I don’t have to kiss anyone’s ass. My days of fake laughing and instilling false confidence in people so that they will make a purchase are over.
So what materials do you need to be a psychopath? Well, let’s be real here. Is one tiny article really going to tell you all you need to know? Unfortunately not. But you are a strong independent citizen with a very bright future. So I know that I don’t have to sugar-coat this. You are smart enough to know that my book Become A Psychopath, Not A Bitch is the fastest way to get on top of the figurative social orgy. Become A Psychopath, Not A Bitch is like a 50-year career with the United States Postal Service but for only $79.99. The New York Times raves, “Rockefeller just ordered a copy of Become A Psychopath, Not A Bitch and that dude decomposed years ago!” Order within reading the next three sentences, and we’ll even include two ‘I’m A Psychopath, Not A Bitch’ t-shirts. One for you, and the other for your plastic manikin spouse. Offer is almost up. Order now and maybe… just maybe, I’LL SPARE YOUR LIFE.