The Mascara Masquerade

RaccoonEyesThanks to the power of capitalism, your daughter is doomed to look like a circus whore.  Every dollar Uncle Sam takes from cosmetic lobbyists is another dollar his niece can spend on making her ocular features more recognizable as a raccoon.  Besides looking like dried Mel Gibson vomit, make-up is also detrimental to one’s health.  The FDA has no regulation in what god-awful shit is being put into this nation’s cosmetics because these companies have our law makers by the nail polished testicles.  Make-up is now an American tradition.

It is even written in the opening of the U.S. Constitution, “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, and make every woman’s face look like Snooki at a Crayola factory…” As with most legal jargon, its up to personal interpretation.  But apparently corporations know what the founding fathers wanted.  Every morning when Thomas Jefferson sported his custom-made peruke (For those of you who failed History class in high school, a peruke is that wig-thing stuck-up court officials wore… like in those Revolutionary War DVDs your teacher used to put on… she was really hot?… oh that’s why you failed?… you would just be staring at her… I don’t blame you… even Tim Gunn could get lost in that rack for days) he looked longingly out his window at the women below and dreamed of a day when they would all be covered in chemicals.Peruke

Though make-up is now as American as Apple Pie, Nascar and Jesus, the first evidence of cosmetics dates back to the ancient Egyptians. They, the ancient Greeks and the ancient Chinese all used ointments, oil and fungus to keep their skin healthy.  Protecting their skin from the sun and opening their pores allowed for skin that aged better and gave off a lively glow.  During these times, cosmetics were innocent and beneficial to the human race.  Then members of the elite began experimenting with facial fashion, and the world was damned to an eternity of slut-dom.  These rich bastards used the finest of powders to hide their hideous faces, while the poor desperately tried to recreate the ‘beauty’ of the upper class by smearing their mugs with whatever colored dirt or decay they could find.

ExcessiveMakeupFast forward a few hundred years and the dynamic remains the same. Woman and men apply make-up to disguise their true beauty; brainwashed by Barbie and Madonna to apply chemicals to themselves so that they will beat their competition and attract a sexual partner. But does make-up really work?  When you were sitting in your tenth grade history class, were you distracted by the way Mrs. Sanchez applied Revlon? NO! You were staring at her Grand Tetons!  No matter what gender you are and what gender you are attracted to, make-up won’t change the baby-making goods that are evolutionary proven to get you the sexual attention you crave. Put an end to the mascara masquerade.  Say no to make-up.

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