Totally Vlad-Ass

PutinGunThe 2014 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremony in Sochi was more than just a success.  It was a momentous triumph over the threats of multiple terrorist groups.  In an age where most every country has to worry about the reality of terrorist threats, the ceremony was a nice affirmation that these threats do not control our fate.  Security forces were able to maintain a safe environment for athletes from all over the world to celebrate their hard-work and cultural differences. The Russian hosts felt so confident in their ability to keep everyone safe that they even suspended a fifth-grade girl hundreds of feet in the air and flung her around the Sochi arena as a symbol of the spirit of Russian women.  There is only one logical explanation to how they were able to stop evil in its tracks. Russia is home to a super-human vlad-ass.

Legend has it that once every thousand years, a demi-god is sent down from the heavens to stabilize mankind. Thanks to the excessive news coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics, it was discovered that this millennium’s savior is Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.   As a way of saying thank you to his saving grace, I have spent hours of research in putting together a brief biography of this knight in Soviet armor.

Putin practicing Centaur martial arts
Putin practicing Centaur martial arts

He was born in a shanty Russian mountain colony where he raised his mother and gave birth to his own father.  By the age of seven, he had already single-handedly built the Luna 2 (the first unmanned space craft to land on the moon), wrote The Rite of Spring (under the alias name Igor Stravinsky) and received a black belt in ancient Centaur martial arts.  Over the next decade, Putin traveled the world saving thousands of lives.  One of these account’s served as the inspiration for Michael Bay’s non-fiction film Armageddon. Putin was offered to play himself in the film, but insisted the role go to Bruce Willis because “not even Michael Bay can make my actions look as ridiculous as they actually are.”

Perhaps President Vladimir Putin’s most awe-inspiring feat is his Russian anti-suicide campaign.  With some parts of Russia experiencing temperatures below freezing year-round, it is hard for many of these individuals to live happy and fulfilling lives. In order to stop these more unfortunately located Russians from taking the logical route of jumping off of one of Russia’s many cliffs, Putin travels across his home country performing magic tricks with his super-powers.  It may seem useless in comforting these starved freezing Russians, but it apparently gives them the hope needed to continue living.  Think about it.  If not for Putin, why else would these people continue on with their lives?  The weather in that shitty part of the world is enough to make even someone as motivated and positive as Richard Simmons dive head first into the mouth of the nearest carnivorous animal.

Putin practicing human martial arts
Putin practicing human martial arts

Believe it or not, that is the legend of Putin, the biggest vlad-ass on the planet.  What does Putin want us to learn from his saga? “You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place,” Russian President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin…. and unlike the rest of the bull shit in this article, that quote is real.

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