If I Could Have One Super Power

250px-Bullseye5What’s up world, I’m back. I think this whole what would I do with super powers stuff is going to be a column. It’s just to much fun to only leave to one story. So here we are back with the second installment.

I’ve always wondered why do super-villains become super-villains? Obviously the answer is they all want to face fuck the world and make the planet their bitch. What about the lesser criminal types though that aren’t hell bent on world domination? The guys that are just looking to make a dollar, or two, or millions. The guys that get busted down within the first few pages of the comic or movie or TV show or whatever medium you’re getting your comic-geek on in. There are much more lucrative ways to make money than being a criminal.

One guy that always struck me as being fucked up with his profession was Bullseye. You guys know Bullseye: the Daredevil enemy so famously portrayed by that asshat Colin Farrell. Anyway, Bullseye has super duper accuracy. He can turn almost anything into a weapon. He once slit a guys throat by throwing an ace of spades at him. I don’t know if it was an ace of spades but it just sounded cooler than a regular playing card. Or there’s this to prove how much of a bad ass that he is. So with all that being said the only logical career choice is to become an assassin right? Maybe he just likes killing people but if he was just in the game of taking peoples heads off for money I can think of a better career choice, the crap fest league that is the NBA.


Bullseye could have been the deadliest shooter in NBA history. Better than NY Knick killer Reggie Miller. Better than Mr. Clutch Ray Allen. Now I understand that both of those guys don’t have money like Jordan or Kobe or Lebron but he could have. Bullseye could have been the first dude in NBA history to have a 100 percent shooting percentage in league history. I’m pretty sure three seasons of that and he would be tipping the vault over in his bank. Not only would he get a fat NBA contract but crap loads of money in endorsements. Not only that but he would have groupies everywhere and who doesn’t love groupies. Or he could go the James Harden route and pay for some booty. His job risk would go way down too. He wouldn’t get his ass kicked by Daredevil or worry about dying anymore either. Sounds like a win to me.

Another two-bit criminal who is always being made to look like a lollipop is Rhino. Dude is 400 pounds of skin like steel and farts like thunder but yet he is always getting stymied by a dude less than half his size. So why not give up a life of crime and go into the NFL. He can make lots of money and still get to hit people. Seems like a win-win to me. Robbing banks when you’re a supposed indestructible Rhino should be easy but apparently it’s not. It’s like Rhino was made to play in the NFL. Big, strong and dumb….he’s a perfect offensive lineman. I’m kidding, not all NFL linemen are dumb. I don’t want one of them coming to my house and throwing me out a window.

baneIf you can break Batman’s back and cripple him for a whole year, you must be pretty bad ass. Bane is totally bad ass. Even when he’s not all jacked up on Venom and talks with a weird British accent even though he’s from South America. Looking at you Tom Hardy. Bane from the comics is a guy who gets injected with a super steroid and gets super duper massive and wears a lucha libre’ mask. The freaking guy was built to work for Vince McMahon in the WWE. Vince has a hard on for guys built like Bane. The fact that Bane is really smart too would help him build a great character and then he can make assloads of money. I just found out that John Cena is worth like 35 million dollars. I don’t know about anyone else but that’s a nice chuck of change in my book.

Being a criminal sucks. It’s to much work to build all these plans and then have to plan on how to break out of jail because your original plans suck and you end up getting caught. Being an athlete is way better career choice is you have super powers because, well….it’s cheating and if you’re not cheating you’re not trying.

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