25 Days of Douchebaggery: Day: 23: “A Very Al-Qaeda Christmas Part 2, Reindeer Games”

osama_videotape_2Santa and his elves had two options, the first being that they could continue on with Christmas and hope to deflect any attacks or the second option which would be to launch and all out surprise attack before Santa delivers gifts. It was more than obvious that option two was his choice and some say it was due to his black tar heroin addiction. That’s a whole nother story though. The clock struck midnight on Christmas Day while Santa and his elves managed to locate the Al-Qaeda cell. Santa was leading the pack of elves who were armed to the tee with Tec 9’s and machetes. Santa himself was carrying a double-barrel sawed off shotgun as well as a round of grenades dangling all along his big black belt. Santa and the elves flew over the Al-Qaeda base which was located a few miles from the workshop. When they got within a few yards of the base they parachuted off of Santa’s sleigh and down onto the ground. One of the elves’ parachutes didn’t deploy and he fell straight to the ground just splattering as he hit the snow, his corpse looked like a massive pile of beef stroganoff.

post-737379-0-51950000-1386390178This didn’t deter the other elves as they tip toed their way toward the base with Santa leading them.
The snow was coming down like a son of a bitch and Santa and the elves were within feet of the base. It was nothing more than a giant tent setup with about 10 to 20 guys inside. One of the terrorists was guarding the door to the tent, looking avidly from left to right. A moment came up though when he had to take a whiz so Santa sneaked up behind him slowly and busted out his military grade tinsel. With the tinsel he jumped up from behind and wrapped it around the terrorist’s throat.  The terrorist struggled to breathe for a couple seconds before his body went limp and Santa dropped him to the ground. Santa signaled to the elves to move closer to the door as Santa opened it a crack. He could see inside the tent there were about ten to fifteen terrorists armed with AK47’s. He looked back at the elves,gave a quick wink, and pulled two grenades from his belt. Santa kicked open the door and screamed “It’s jolly ole’ Saint Nick BITCH!” He pulled the pins on the grenades and threw them in the tent. The elves came running from behind him shooting their Tec 9’s at whatever was inside. The grenades went off killing about 5 terrorists as the rest opened fire with their AK47’s. The elves were dropping one by one looking like pieces of Swiss cheese.

santa-745826That’s when Santa lifted his sawed off double barrel shotgun and began pumping and shooting. He walked further and further into the tent as bullets struck all around him. All of the sudden it got quiet, the bullets stopped and Santa looked around. All of his elves were dead on the ground behind him and so were all the terrorists…or so he thought. He heard the cocking of a gun and felt an ice cold gun barrel on the back of his head. It was Osama bin Laden. Santa turned around slowly as bin Laden looked him in the eyes. Bin Laden with an evil grin looked at Santa and slowly spoke, “looks like Christmas is canceled this year”. Santa with a glisten in his eyes began to cry because he knew this would let down all the children. But all of a sudden he heard someone or something moving fast towards the tent. He could see behind bin Laden a giant shadow being casted from the outside. Santa smiled at bin Laden and said in his jolly voice, “Your Christmas is cancelled, bitch!” A gunshot was fired and bin Laden dropped to his knees. Standing behind him was Frosty holding a Glock 9 with smoke coming out of the barrel. Santa looked at Frosty and began to give him a hug. As they hugged Santa pulled Frosty closer and whispered into his non existent ear, “this still doesn’t make up for you banging Mrs. Clause with your carrot dick”. With that said Santa pulled the pin on one of his grenades and shoved it into Frosty’s snow made body. Santa dove through the side of the tent as Frosty exploded into pieces.

merryxmasAs Santa returned to the workshop the elves were cheering and singing. Christmas had been saved and all the little kiddies could now get their gifts. The elves loaded his sleigh up with his presents and he stepped inside of it. He did a line of black tar heroin off of the sled and waved good bye as the reindeer pulled him off into the distance. Once again, Christmas had been saved!

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