What The Hell Is Up With Hell?

PrisonCellThe concept of eternal suffering in a mystical underworld is absolutely terrifying.  What concerns me most about my phobia of damnation is that I do not believe in a deity.  The idea of Hell has been so embedded into my being that it still makes me soil my trousers despite my best reasoning.  On lonely nights when I ponder about the great-beyond, I am tormented by the thought of being forever trapped in a magical prison.  Have you ever thought about what eternal damnation in the underworld truly means?  It is fucking scary!

Once you die, your spirit is locked away without possibility of parole.  Meanwhile, on Earth, tons of exciting shit happens: Meteorologists realize that they are not stand-up comedians and stop wasting time with weather jokes, robots replace waiters and don’t give you shit for ordering chocolate chip pancakes at 10 P.M., old people are genetically modified so that they no longer smell like Godzilla’s cunt, bulls evolve enough to verbally communicate and nullify the phrase ‘bull shit’ because it is bull shit, new planets are explored, Martian porn is discovered, Martian-Meteorite porn goes viral, Martian-Donkey porn crashes intergalactic servers, and tons of other cool stuff (mostly porn-related) goes down.

NeverSayNeverSo pretty much, while the whole universe will be engaging in a no-boundaries/no-regrets orgy, you’ll be stuck waxing Lucifer’s nipple hair and watching the bonus features of Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never DVD… and yes, in Hell, they still haven’t upgraded to Blu-ray. You could have been a Believer and gone to Heaven, but no, you didn’t take the time to read the Bible.  Instead, you are doomed to be a Belieber and take part in the never-ending Never Say Never-thon.

Every morning, you would wake up, look outside your window, and realize that you do not have a window and that you actually did not just wake up because sleep is an impossibility in Hell.  You could try to commit post-death suicide, but then you would just be re-living the plot of Inception. And as we all know from the ending of Titanic, Leonardo DiCaprio is in Heaven.  So without your lead character in Hell, your post-death suicide Inception reboot would just be a total disaster; worse than the actual Titanic sinking.

VanDammeSplitThe most unfair part about Hell is how one arrives.  One receives admission to the underworld by being damned by God for failing to read a God-damn book.  Think you can ‘SparkNotes’ your way through the Bible?  Nope, your ass is going to be lit on fire, thrown in a cage and mind-raped for the rest of forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever…. a length of time equivalent to the length of the universe.  The more I think about it, the more it feels as if my brain is being urinated on by Greta Van Susteren as she executes a perfect Van Damme split over my exposed cranium.

In the Catholic faith, simply not believing in God is reason enough to be tossed into Hell.  A few months ago, I brought up this creepy little detail with a few Catholic folks, and they accused me of being insensitive and offensive to their beliefs.  Am I in the wrong here?  Is it in bad taste to express to Believers and/or Beliebers that their respective fellowships give you horrid nightmares? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.


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