What I Fear Part 2: Fuck Outer Space

galaxyRight now we’re all safe here on this giant piece of rock hurling through the solar system. Most of us aren’t thinking about the dangers outside our daily commute to and from work or being devoured by rabid NYC sewer rats. Will my bills I just sent via the mail make it before their due dates? Does my family actually love me?  Will my poor, defenseless children be beat to death on their way home from school by a maniacal hobo with knives for hands? These are all more viable situations to worry about than all of the things that lie beyond or atmosphere that can end all life as we know it. Does fretting about killer asteroids and butt-probing aliens do anyone any good? Absolutely not, but then again this is why most fears are irrational and why I’ll most likely be living in a subterranean bunker for the rest of my days once I turn 60.

Let’s for one moment put aside my fear of a giant squid emerging from the ocean, laying waste to the coastlines of the world. Think about the history of our planet. Remember those scaly motherfuckers called dinosaurs? Although Creationists may think that people and a giant Brontosaurus co-existed in complete harmony and the earth is only 3,000 years old, there is enough evidence that a giant, pissed off piece of space rock decided to throw down and end all life as they knew it. That sucked for them but it ultimately led to the rise of mammals and eventually our ancestors, the turd-throwing primates. Fast forward a few hundred thousand years and our entire planet is thriving with homo-sapiens, willing and eager to fuck one another over for personal gains and fortune. What the hell would we even do if that happened today? Movie shit doesn’t work; no one is landing on an asteroid or riding their bike away from a giant tidal wave to save their teenage wife. Chances are that next to nothing will be done about it and as the world comes to an end, most of us will turn to cannibalism and eat the ones we hate (and some that we love) for sustenance. I could think of worse ways to go out.

asteroidI’m a firm believer that we aren’t the only life in the cosmos. Just thinking about the sheer number of complete assholes that occupy the Earth makes me pretty certain that the universes has a just a few more douchebags in it. And what does being a douche usually come with? Being generally shitty to all those around you. Now imagine for a moment something like that living elsewhere in the galaxy, being capable of interstellar travel, crop dusting whatever planet they visit. Remember Independence Day? That’s exactly how I see shit going down and no, I do not think a black guy, a jew and a drunk white dude are going to save the world. This doesn’t happen to be some shitty bar joke. Also, when one of the world’s smartest dudes (Stephen Hawking) says we should be weary of interacting with aliens, maybe we should listen. You know, before we’re all enslaved, and being probed by E.T.’s glowing digit.

ufoAside from galactic boulders and extraterrestrial meanies, the ways that we can all ultimately meet our demise are near endless. Solar flares, the sun exploding and black holes are just a few. But when we’ve finished boning the Earth for all it’s worth, hop aboard some space ships to elsewhere in the solar system and launch nukes into the ocean (just for good measure), I’ll be the last dude on our wasted planet, eating Twinkies and flipping off the remainder of humanity saying “I told you so.”

The universe can suck one,

Jersey John

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