What I Fear Part 1: Fuck the Ocean

ocean 1
Feed me your babies!

Clowns. Spiders. Ru Paul. We as humans have our fair share of nouns that we fear. Why? Probably because the vast majority of us suck at math and our brains are just making up shit to do and things to think about. Why the fuck else would half of the world’s population rather fight to the death against a kodiak bear instead of attending a 5-year-old’s birthday extravaganza if a clown is within a 500 ft. radius. These irrational things that we have ingrained in our heads will eventually be the downfall of humanity and the next time one of your friends fills your entire room with packing peanuts and jumps out of the closet dressed as a John Wayne Gasey, you’re most likely going to have a mental break. It happens to the best of us.

But, like a big ole pussy, I happen to be afraid of the ocean. Now, I know what most of you happen to be thinking and no, I’m not crying myself to sleep the second I step off the shoreline. I actually love the beach and swimming and getting sand in places I will spare mentioning. It’s when you get further out in the middle of the ocean that shit gets real. And when I say real, I really mean “seriously what the fuck is that fucking thing?!?” I’m glad that after the age of the Dinosaurs mammals got their shit together and evolved, became humans and learned about what lives at the bottom of the sea. To be honest, I don’t even know why there is world conflict. The super powers of the world are too busy comparing dick sizes as the creatures of the deep grow in size.

Creatures with giant dicks on their faces are infinitely scarier.
Creatures with giant dicks on their faces are infinitely scarier.

So you still think I’m a giant bitch? Take a second to realize that we know less about the bottom of the ocean than we do about outer space. How the hell did we drop the ball on that shit? While the worlds scientists and star gazers are trying to figure out what the fuck is on the other side of a black hole, colossal squid are free to grow up to 50 ft. in length. Also, you can put the goblin shark, frilled shark and anglerfish on the list of why you’ll never get me to go diving in any way, shape or form. These fuckers live at depths that would crush you in a heartbeat and don’t even need light to survive. Also, just for a moment, think back to the first days of sea travel. A couple thousand years ago, a bunch of poor bastards were probably just minding their own business, drinking mead and sailing the high seas. Then, all of a sudden for no goddamn reason whatsoever, the last pissed off megalodon decides to start some shit and devour their only means of travel.  Fuck the ocean.

Aaaaaand fuck this thing too.
Aaaaaand fuck this thing too.

So the next time you happen to see an adorable video of a dolphin or some whales making retarded whale sounds as tourists beat each other off for the chance to see these creatures in all of their glory, remember that deep at the bottom of the ocean, there are creatures we haven’t even discovered yet, waiting to rise up and eat you while you’re swimming.

Dreaming about nuking the ocean,

Jersey John


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One thought on “What I Fear Part 1: Fuck the Ocean

  1. Your fears are ridiculous. The ocean is edible. Sushi, calamari, shark fin soup, crunchy sea horse bites. eel (roasted, salted, etc.), and whale are a few examples. Now yeah I will give you the possibility of Cthulhu raising up out of the ocean with his tentaclied head but let’s be real. Tentacles can be fried. Space calamari tentacles aged to perfection in a deep cold refrigerated dark abyss somewhere in the pacific and salted to retain flavor. That shit’s fucking delicious. Now can you eat the shit in space? No. there’s like space dirt on everything. And it’s been microwaved to within an inch of its life thanks to the radiation out there. The only thing making us want to understand more about space is the thought that other planets might have some type of new and amazing delicacy that will titillate our taste buds from here to kingdom come. Fuckin afraid of the ocean? I’d rather be afraid of the aliens that want to kill us and rape us for our sushi before we can kill and rape them for theirs.

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