So I was taking a shower and just randomly thinking about random crap when I started to sing the Oompa-Loompa song. Now that got me thinking about how awesome the “Willy Wonka” movie is. The original one, not that crap with Johnny Depp. He’s a great big bag of dicks.
Think for a second on how awesome this movie is. I mean how fantastic would it be to have your own chocolate factory the size of a small country? It’s never stated where the movie takes place but it was filmed in Munich so it’s safe to say it was supposed to be somewhere in Europe. Now when Charlie and the other bastard kids are shuffling up to the factory it looks normal sized but once they get inside the place is the size of Australia. This is where the fun starts.
I will say this, Wonka has the most awesome entryway ever! The first room in his third-world country sized factory is a gigantic room where everything is edible. Let me repeat. EVERYTHING IS EDIBLE. Now obviously it’s not all it’s cracked up to be because the fat German kid almost drowned in a river of milk chocolate but come on, that kid was a dick. It reminds me of the episode of the “Simpsons” where Homer is day dreaming of a land where everything is made of chocolate and he eats everything in sight, which is obviously homage to Willy Wonka. Yeah I think of things backwards. Anyhow, yeah this room is a dentists dream come true but so what. I bet if you pee in this room it magically turns into lemonade or something wonderful.
Speaking of the chunky German kid, the factory has its own river. Not only that, but it comes with a creepy boat ride that can scare the toughness out of Chuck Norris. But you know what, the boat ride isn’t so scary and neither is the tunnel of doom. Yeah so when you hop on the boat of death you see images of bugs and chickens getting their heads chopped off and all kinds of other crazy shit. Could have been worse, could have watched an episode of “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” At the end of the day you have a river inside your casa and how many other people can say that. None. Zero. You stand alone at the top of that mountain like a champ.
The best of Wonkas factory is it come with its own army of little orange men who sing and dance. Yes the Oompa-Loompas are the best part. Now in front of people Wonka talks about how he saved them from some giant dinosaur type thingies that were eating them all up but let’s be real, he basically enslaved their ass’es and made them run his country in a city. How cool is it though to have your own army, that plus their dwarf size and orange only makes them that much more dangerous. No one would know what to do when they saw a butt-load of Oompa-Loompas coming at them let alone one. And they got that weird little shape with hips bigger than Nicki Minaj. They’re terrifying.
So Wonka has a palace bigger than the actual city it resides in, an army of ninja like midget orange people and an unlimited food supply of all kinds of crap that might or might not give people super powers (the soda that made you fly). Wonka is a damn dictator.
As awesome as all of that sounds, that’s not even my favorite part of the movie. My favorite part is in the beginning at the candy man’s shop when he gives away all his candy for free. As a kid this was like a dream come true. Free candy that looks more delicious than…well nothing. And he sings an awesome song to go along. Sounds great when you’re a kid. As an adult, not so much. Why the hell is this guy giving away all his candy to kids? Then it hit me, he’s probably a pedophile and gives away his candy to lure kids into his shop. This candy man wasn’t charming, he’s downright creepy and sick.
So Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory isn’t some delightful kids movie, it’s about dictators and pedophiles. Way to fuck shit up.