I know I’ve been gone for a minute but let me tell you something, life is one tough S.O.B. It’s been kicking my ass lately but I got a few nut shots in myself. Just because I haven’t been writing doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about my “Two guys” family. And other random shit.
I recently got caught up on “Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes” Season Two and it got me thinking about how freaking awesome it would be to have super powers. Well I’m sure we’ve all thought about that at some point. It would be super cool to be invincible or be able to fly or shoot fire out our asses or something like that right Awesome…..but maybe not so much.
Comics and movies have done a great job lately explaining how all this super hero stuff is possible with fringe science and crap like that but let’s be real, it isn’t going to go so smooth in real life.
Wolverine was in one episode of Avengers and we all know how awesomely cool Wolverine is because Marvel throws him all over the place. Wolverine overload, I tell you. He’s really cool because he has three metal claws that pop out his forearm right? Wrong bitches!!! You see, every time he uses his claws they rip open his skin. Try taking a knife and just stabbing yourself in the hand, but imagine that pain coming from the inside out. This little fact that it hurts like hell every time he uses his claws has been established in the movies and comics. Screw looking bad-ass with six sharper-than-a-razor claws coming out my hands, I want to stay pain free!!
Speaking of claws that can slice through Aunt Betty’s hard-as-steel meatloaf, it’s never actually been explained how he controls them. Does he just think about using them and they pop out? How does he get only the middle one to pop out to give someone a super powered FU? Imagine picking your nose and you’re not totally paying attention and oops….a claw goes through your nose and into your brain. Remember kids, adamantium can pierce adamantium. Or even worse, imagine jacking off and acidentally chopping your pecker off!! But of course you’re Wolverine and you have a super duper healing factor that will grow your johnson back, bigger and better than before! Accidents will happen that claws that are uncontrollably.
Awesome healing factors, freaking sweet to never get sick right? Bang any chick you want and never have to worry about the clap, the package or any other crappy STD. Life is pretty freaking sweet. Wrong again mi amigo. See, if you can never get sick or anything like that, that means no sick days at work. I mean of course you can lie and just say you’re sick, but who doesn’t like getting pampered when they’re sick. I know I do. Plus it’s already been established that Wolverine is like hundreds of years old. That blows. It’s a known fact that the longer you live the crazier you get. Remember that English samurai guy from “Heroes?” Yeah he was bat shit crazy from being alive for what seemed like eternity. Not a fun way to live life, all alone being insane with the roaches….because you know roaches live forever too.
I won’t even touch the fact that Wolverine is damn near an animal with fangs. Trying to make out with Sofia Vergara with fangs in your mouth, not a good look. At all. Plus because he’s part animal and has a healing factor that keeps him in tip top shape, Wolverine can probably go longer than an African lion, you’d probably end up banging a girl to death and be wanted for murder. Fun times.
So the lesson here is while Wolverine’s powers might look good on paper, it wouldn’t work out so much in the real world. Keep dreaming nerds. Smell ya later!!!