If you’re a video game nerd, I’m sure you’ve read the millions and millions lists of the hardest video games ever. Like throughout time. The craziest thing is that they always list the same damn games. So yeah “Battletoads” was freaking ridiculously difficult, so was “Super Ghosts ‘n Goblins.” We all know that. It’s not the games that are memorable but the hours and hours we spent cursing and throwing controllers at the damn games.
I’m a gamer. Always have been and always will be. The original Nintendo Entertainment System was my family’s best friend. Me and my cousin would kill a shit load of summer afternoons not outside getting sun and exercise but planted in front of the television trying to destroy everything in sight. Did we own Battletoads? Fuck yeah we did! Did we ever beat it? Hell if I remember but my money is on no. I remember not even trying to play it on single-player because that was just a waste of time. Now as hard as that game was, only giving you three lives and no checkpoints or anything like, the worst part was that you could kill your own partner. Yes, if you’re playing two player you could beat the crap out of your own partner and end his life. So it wasn’t enough that Rare made the game hard as fuck, they just included another way for you to get offed. Yeah this led to some fights between me and my cousin. I’ll admit he’s the better gamer so it was usually me offing him by mistake. So I would kill his toad in the game and he would attack me in real life. Fucking games do lead to violence.
Super Mario Brothers, the original. The one that kick started the whole craze about video games. I never beat it. Nope never beat the original Mario. Yeah I know I suck. I think even my mom beat Mario. How pathetic is that. I don’t care what anyone says, Mario is fucking hard. Hell I think I ever beat only one Mario game, the first one for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, or SNES. That little fucking plumber is a thorn in my side.
Moving back to games that would frustrate the shit out of me and my cousin. Just so I don’t have to keep typing my cousin, his name is Yosh. Well that’s not his real name but that’s what I call him. Anyways, Ghosts’ n Goblins was a son of a bitch game. That little fucking knight guy was such a fucktard that I didn’t even attempt to play it. I would cheer lead his ass on. I mean what the fuck is up with a guy who gets hit once and then runs around in his boxers. Yeah we all know this game is hard. The fun part was watching Yosh go all ape shit over this game because it was fucking damn near impossible to beat. I think I saw him finish it once. Controllers getting flung at the TV, cursing under our breath so our grandma wouldn’t hear us. Oh yeah that knight was a jerkoff.
One of the last hardest freaking games ever was one that was dear to us, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. If you grew up in the late 80s early 90s you were a TMNT freak. I know we were. So when the turtles got a game where we could ACTUALLY be a turtle!! How freaking awesome is that!! So it would make sense that this game would rock right? Nope. Oh shit did this game give us fucking fits. Especially the fucking under water level. For being turtles they totally sucked at swimming. I remember he would be controlling and I would be analyzing the screen telling him when he’s too close to the electric crap that was stuck to the tops and bottoms of the NYC waters. Yeah playing games on the NES was a two-man mission most of the time. Again I can’t even remember if we beat the damn game. But I do remember a lot of swearing, stomping, yelling, cursing and general pissed offery.
Yeah, the NES was some kind of box from hell designed to give kids nightmares about stupidly hard games. No saves, limited lives or attempts and ridiculous hard levels, fun times. Fuck Nintendo, Sony for life baby!!