Jersey John on “Giving Thanks”

It’s that time of year again. Your endless number of family members are all gathered to mooch  off the hard work and effort you put in to cooking enough food to feed a 3rd world country for a week. A mediocre football game will be on in the background as everyone eats themselves into a food coma. Shitty children will line the floors of your home, discussing how Pilgrims and Native Americans were BFF’s from the start. The holidays are finally upon us. But before you’re eye-fucked to death by Christmas television and print ads, let’s chat a bit about this festive day that we, as Americans, use as a pregame to stab people while shopping.

All of this started when a bunch of toolbags with buckles on their hats (shittiest fashion statement of all time) decided to leave England due to religious persecution. Sucking huge balls at planning a massive voyage across the Atlantic Ocean, all these asshats land and have no idea how to grow enough crops to sustain themselves and die like a bunch of bitches. Those that stuck around owe their lives and survival skills to the awesomeness of the native inhabitants to North America. If you think for just one quick moment: without that single gesture of good will for their fellow man, the country that we know may be completely different than it is today. And how do we repay Native Americans later on down the road? We labeled them as savages and kicked them off their lands. And if that wasn’t bad enough, we turned a bunch of them into alcoholics, handed them blankets infested with smallpox and sent them on the longest walk of their lives.

I’m not saying that this is a time of year that you should be a complete downer to those you love and cherish. It’s just a matter of knowing why you happen to be getting a paid holiday. It makes everyone seem just a little more grateful for what they have at any given point. Are all the actions that we’ve done the best ones we could have made? Fuck no. Is there anyway we can go back and undo some one the shitty things that have already occurred? Not a chance in hell. But what we can do is start some new trends of not being complete assholes towards our fellow man, realize that we totally dropped the ball when it came to diplomacy and (quite intentionally) committed genocide a few hundred years ago. Not teaching your kids about all of this just makes them seem ignorant while they’re making you a retarded looking turkey napkin holder that you told them looked amazing, while in reality a monkey who knows sign language even said that shit looks god-awful.

From all of us here at, we want to wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving. Remember to extend a hand to those less fortunate, be happy for the things that you have and the people you have to share them with. And, at the end of the day, being a nice person now just means you can feel less bad about stabbing that grandmother next to you at Walmart with a sharpened toothbrush for the last toy on the shelf.




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