Douchebag Drivers: They Come in All Flavors

Omg we look so hot next to this car we totally flipped over!

For some reason unbeknownst to anyone but God, here in Jersey we’ve been having pretty shitty autumn weather. This bothers me to no end because this is my favorite season and I’m spending it either sweating my balls off or dodging rain drops. But enough about the weather, let’s talk about why we’re all here: idiot drivers.

I go to a commuter school which is maybe a half hour away, 40 minutes with traffic so I’ve been spending a lot of time on the road lately. Spending that much time on the road leads me to see all kinds of crazy shit that would just make you want to bitch slap some other driver.

First off I want to address some stereotypes that are absolutely fucking true, those being that women, old people and Asians can’t drive for shit. Get as pissed off as you want but you know it’s true. For instance I was driving to school Monday on NJ Rt. 10 and there is an old couple driving in the slow lane doing 35mph. I’ll be the first to admit that I drive slow; I have a Ford Explorer so I’m not trying to waste gas going a million miles per hour. So when have to go around you on the highway, your ass is going to damn slow. All old people do is clog up the highway by driving as slow as it takes them to get undressed. If either presidential nominee wants my vote they better initiate some plan to cut driving privileges once your ass is eligible for AARP. I don’t care if it’s your grandma, great uncle or the fucking pope, get your old ass off the highway.

Next up are women drivers. Oh Jesus where do I even start here? I was driving back home this morning from bringing my mom to work because I’m an awesome son. I see some lady driving a Mercedes (more on that later) in the lane to my right and she’s wearing sunglasses. Today’s forecast for North Jersey is rainy and overcast all day. You know what guys, I can’t even think of a funny joke, that’s just fucking ridiculous. Every time I see people wearing sunglasses inside or on a not-so-sunny day I always think of that song “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” by Timbuk3. Not only women do stupid shit like that it’s like their either passive or aggressive drivers, no normalcy at all. So you can have Martha Stewart driving like she needs her car covered in bubble wrap or Sasha Grey thinking she’s Speed Racer. It’s fucking ridiculous. I’m not even going to mention the talking or texting on the phone all the time, putting on make-up, checking the hair or the countless other things women do besides keeping their eyes on the damn road. Point blank, women suck at driving.

Now I’m going to lay some shit on you that you may not know about asshole drivers. People who drive Mercedes Benz’s are fucking shitbirds. Again here I am driving to school, on the exit ramp from Interstate 80 to jump on Interstate 287 and some douche in front of me is in his Benz. We’re in morning rush hour traffic so it’s stop and go and we’re stopping again and I’m like a car length behind this asshole but he waves me off from inside his car. Basically he told me that I was too close to him even though I was whole fucking car length behind him. What a major fucking tool. And it’s not just this dude either. Almost everyone behind the wheel of a Benz is just a Grade-A asshole who can’t drive because they think that their car is the shit. If Mercedes ever needed a new slogan I have one “Mercedes Benz: for douchebags all over the world.” Next time you’re out driving and you see a Benz, just watch them to see the douchebaggery they pull on the road. And then pull up next to them just to give them the finger and blow job sign. It’s fun, trust me.

That’s not really an accident. The asshole in the Benz is just showing the person who is driving the other car that’s his parking spot and no one else’s.

There are plenty more idiot drivers out there, like people who drive with their turn signals on because they’re too stupid to realize that it’s blinking. Or the assbutt who waits until green light is half way through before they begin to move, like they’re waiting for the light to turn some other shade of green. Fucking idiots. I mean really, we see stupid crap all the time on the road. From now on it should be allowed that every time we see some kind of douchebaggery on the road we’re allowed to rear end them, like a friendly reminder to stop being an assbutt.

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