Ask Ken Keaton: Advice for Everyday Life #7

Dear Ken Keaton,

This is somewhat embarrassing but I have a question about my daughter’s health; and since I know you’re as good as a doctor and much cheaper, I thought you could help. My daughter is 4 and she is having problems with massive flatulence. I tried several different home remedies but nothing has had too much of an effect. Any help?

Leona, Plainsboro

 

Leona,

I can understand your frustration. Farts abound, right? And I am much cheaper than a doctor; however I am cheapest after a few drinks. Anyways, I can help you.

Licorice is something you should look into using. Get yourself a bag of Twizzlers and every time your daughter rips one, throw a handful of licorice at her face. This will help to extinguish the behavior, which is only if her flatulence is a psychological response. Even if it isn’t, it’s still fun.

Vick’s Vapo Rub also works wonders. Feed her a spoonful a day, that way her gaseous emanations from the rectal cavity will fill the room with a nice breeze of minty freshness instead of smelling like old burritos and nutsacks.

While I don’t suggest it ALL the time, show your daughter some pornography, especially anal penetration. Tell her that this is what happens to little girls who fart a lot when they get older.

What are you feeding your kid? She probably just needs to eat more dirt. That will help with the immune system as well as the digestive system. Gotta build up them anti-bodies!

If none of these work for you, you can go see a goddamn doctor. However, it will be expensive. My kindest advice to you is to keep at the licorice trick; it should work. Eventually.


Dear Ken Keaton,

I’m supposed to be the best man at my brother’s wedding next month and I haven’t even begun to write a speech. I need lots of help. Any idea what to include and what to exclude? I don’t want it to sound too corny or too formal. Thanks.

Marcos, Paterson

 

Marcos,

I can help you. I’ll give you a checklist below of what to surely put in your speech and what to leave out.

What to include:

-The correct names of bride and groom.

-Make sure you thank everyone for coming to the wedding.

-However, point out the people who didn’t actually show up for the boring and overly long ceremony. Label them “Assholes of the Day”.

-Be sure to make a remark about the bride’s tits; good or bad.

-Pretend to vomit a little. This keeps the guests paying attention.

-Announce that you’re jealous that they are such a wonderful and loving couple. Be extra creepy about it.

-Wink WAY too much.

-Let the bridesmaids know that you ate a lot of pineapple today so you’re “All good for BJ’s tonight.”

-Aggressively scratch your nuts while your talk about how great the personalized wedding vows were.

-Mention that your pubes on several of the hors d’oeuvres are intentional and it’s a sign of the marital bond. Or whatever.

-If possible, spit on the ground whenever you say the name of your future in-laws.

-When you are finished the speech, make sure EVERYONE applauds. Say verbatim “Fuck this, I’m out!” and then drop the mic.

Now, what not to do:

-Visibly shit yourself during the speech.

-Say ‘cunt’ more than 11 times. (It’s bad luck)

-Start sobbing and strangling yourself with the microphone wire.

-Talk about how nervous you were about the speech and how much you had to jerk off because of it.

-Actually vomit.

Follow these and you are sure to be memorable. And it will make for a completely amazing night for everyone involved. Guaranteed.

 

Need advice from Ken Keaton? Drop him a line on twitter: @RealKenKeaton

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