Why Being A Superhero Sucks

“Holy crap, my penis got hard and fire shoots out my eyes! I’m scared and aroused all at the same time!”

Some of Hollywood’s biggest movies lately have come straight from comic books if you haven’t noticed. This year alone saw two of the biggest Hollywood and superhero movies of all time come out in Marvel’s “The Avengers” and DC’s “The Dark Knight Rises.”  Hell, I bet this Halloween there are going to be tons of little kids dressed up as Iron Man, Captain America and Batman. See, what these kids don’t know is that being a superhero actually sucks balls. Yeah, it’s the worst job in the world, even worse than being president of the United States.

Being a superhero is lonely because you either have no love life or its freaking complicated like a Rubiks Cube. There isn’t a superhero in existence that’s had their cake and eats it too. Go ahead; try to think of a couple who’s had smooth sailing from beginning to end. Reed and Sue Richards maybe? Nope, Mr. Fantastic smacked the shit out Invisible Woman once because she wouldn’t shut up. Hey, what about Cyclops and Jean Grey? Well, Jean has died more times than anyone cares to remember and then Cyclops had a psychic affair with Emma Frost. Yes, a psychic affair, which is worse to a woman because you know, they care about feelings and shit. He didn’t even get to touch Emma’s awesome rack. He’s a loser.  Don’t forget everyone’s favorite wise-cracking arachnid, Spider-Man. Peter is probably married to one of the hottest pieces of cartoon ass in all of comics, Mary Jane Watson. (Don’t think of that cracker Kirstin Dunst, her comic book counterpart is wayyyy hotter). The demon Mephisto gave Peter a choice: you can stay married to your hot-ass wife or you can sacrifice your marriage to save your dead 114-year-old aunt. Of course he saved Aunt May, it’s the Spider-Manly thing to do. Yeah, Pete screwed the pooch on this one.

For someone who’s super power is to turn to rubber, he sure did smack the shit out of her

One of the positives of being a superhero is you get to save people on a daily basis. I guess that’s good if you’re into that sort of thing. The negative here is you’re going piss a lot of people off in the process and they’re going to want you dead. Yes, people are going to want your ass six-feet in the ground. And the odds are against you here. For everyone superhero there is like 15 supervillains at a minimum who want to gank your ass. Everyday some bad guy starts causing shit in your town so you have to stop him, putting your life at risk. And then there are the crazies who just want to kill you. Every superhero has someone like that in their rouges gallery. Superman has Lex Luthor, Batman has Joker, Spider-Man has Green Goblin, Wolverine has Sabertooth. I mean, it’s almost as natural as breathing air. That has to be the shittiest feeling in the world: waking up everyday knowing at least one person just doesn’t want you dead but is actually plotting it out.

Because there is always crime going on every second of the day you never get a break from stopping it. That leaves precious little time for anything else in life. That means no eating a gourmet dinner at a nice restaurant, catching a movie, going to a ball game or just relaxing with your feet up in your own home. How fucked up is that? You save the world twice in one week but can’t even take a decent shit. Well maybe those with flying powers can, just drop a deuce at 40,000 feet. Look at “Batman Begins,” he saves the city from going fucking insane and what does Gordon do? Hands him another job like he’s on the GCPD payroll. He’s lucky Bruce is crazy like that. And Bruce has it easy, he only protects Gotham. Someone like Superman watches the whole goddamn world or Green Lantern who has a few galaxies to police. When do they get a break? Whenever superheroes get a few moments to chill they better take full advantage of it because sure as the sky is blue peace only lasts 1.5 seconds.

Unless you’re Superman or Wolverine, or some hero who can’t get hurt, chances are you’re going to get your ass kicked every few days. Everyone always thinks good guys don’t get hurt. Bullshit. Remember what happened to Kick-Ass the first time he went out to stop crime. He got more fucked up than Obama would at a KKK convention. In “The Dark Knight Rises” Bruce is basically told that he has to live in a box because his body is so fucked up. Luckily though when you’re a superhero all powers come with a little side effect of either enhanced invulnerability or accelerated healing. So basically this means that your body is tougher than a normal person’s which is good because stubbing your toe won’t hurt anymore. Bad side of that is that you can take even worse ass kicking’s before croaking. It’s said that playing in a pro football game is like being in 30 car accidents, so imagine doing that but all day every day.

There has to be something cool about being a superhero right? Of course there is, super powers, duh! But hold up, super powers aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Remember that TV show “Heroes?” Remember when Peter thought he could fly but turns out he couldn’t, expect a lot of these types of moments when testing powers. Or in the first Sam Rami “Spider-Man” movie when Peter first goes web swinging? Yup, he swings right into a building. It sucks figuring out how to control super powers. In “Smallville” Clark’s heat vision first manifested whenever he got “aroused” (whenever his dick got hard). When you’re a 15-year-old kid that shit happens like every four seconds. Things don’t get easier when you have control of your powers either. Whenever Bruce Banner gets his heart rate up past a certain point he Hulks out. In 2008’s “The Incredible Hulk” Bruce starts to get it on with Betty but has to stop before he Hulks out and splits her ass in half with his giant Hulk penis. (I’m assuming because everything gets bigger) Or just think if Superman is hooking up with Lois and get’s too excited, he can crush her pelvic bones to dust or rip her boob off. Spider-Man gave MJ cancer by pumping her full of his radioactive sperm for years. Basically, your sex life becomes non-existent.

“Damn I did it again.”

Everyday normal things become harder too. Daredevil is blind but all of his other senses are enhanced. How does he wipe is butt to see if the wipe is clean? One wrong thought when Wolverine is picking his nose and he gets a claw straight to his brain. If Colossus ever needed to get an MRI he would probably die. There’s just a lot that can go wrong.

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