You all know how the story goes. The big blast happens. Most of the Earth’s population is reduced to Nesquik powder. The zombies rise, mutants and cannibals eat most of the family you kind of cared about and you’re on the run from highway bandits that you accidentally stole supplies from, all in the name of survival. Yes, everything we once knew is over and done with and everyone seems to fucking love it! For the longest time, mass media, fiction and pop culture have been obsessed with the end of the world. But why are people so goddamn giddy about everyone on the planet feasting on the flesh of the living and living like nomads? I’ve come to my own conclusions:
Ordinary life is really fucking boring. Most of us are already walking mutant zombies on a day-to-day basis, lumbering around from home to work to home, wishing most of the world we hate to live in would cease to exist anyway. So why not have shit go downhill? Think of all the awesomeness that would follow! You wouldn’t have another day at that god-forsaken place you call a job ever again. Remember the long lines at the DMV and the grocery store? Fuck that shit too. Want to run through the streets naked, covered in marshmallow fluff, waiving a double-sided dildo around screaming “The British are coming” ? Why the fuck not? You can literally sit on your ass at home with an unlimited supply of Armageddon-flavored Mountain Dew, play all the video games you want and wait for the next band of savages to loot your house and most likely use your desecrated skeleton as a xylophone.
One word: Looting. It’s pretty much every guy’s dream come true. Remember the days where not having enough money to buy the things you love would inhibit you from doing so? Not today! All you need is a decent sized rock and your favorite store to bust into like it’s Black Friday at Walmart and just take all the shit you need. Start with all the Doritos and soda you can find and then work your way around to electronics and, of course, as much porn as you can humanly carry (because let’s face it, the internet probably isn’t working anymore). Need a new wardrobe, furniture and fuck it, a new house? Just steal that shit! Sure, the only things that may be stopping you are morally inept nomads, armed to the dick with every machine gun they were able to get their hands on, but let’s be honest. This was never about survival.
Most of the people you hate will be dead. Welcome to the day after some global cataclysmic event has wiped out a majority of the world’s population. Most people will be thinking about friends, family and other loved ones who didn’t make it. But what about the majority of those who aren’t around anymore? Remember your freshman year Sociology professor who gave you a C-: Dead. Your older-than-dirt next door neighbors who always called the cops on you for making noise during the day: Dead. Your in-laws: DEAD!!! With nukes going off all over the fucking place, diseases spreading faster than Herpes in the summertime and food in such short supply, you can now enjoy your last days on this piece of shit rock knowing that anyone who thought you were a giant tool bag for picking Communications for your Bachelors’ Degree is already licking Satan’s balls in the after-life.
That’s the end of the world in a nutshell. No more worrying about the petty shit like student load and credit card payments, taking your douchey kids to and from school, cutting your grass or even bathing. The world will be a much simpler place. So, even though most of us will suffer horrible and and painful deaths either by being eaten alive by our kinfolk, fallout from radiation or murdered in cold blood for the supplies vital for daily survival, at least take comfort in the fact that most the individuals and things that make Earth such a drag are already gone and you can finally enjoy some piece and fucking quiet.
The PHAT Man and I are moving into your house after you die,