Ask Ken Keaton: Advice for Everyday Life #6

Dear Mr. Keaton,

My wife and I enjoy going to the movies, but recently, a lot of what I see in theaters is just the same old garbage. We both have a shared love for indie flicks, but we are not sure which ones are worth checking out. Could you recommend any films for us?

Gary, Newark


Dear Gary,

I happen to be the foremost aficionado when it comes to independent films. They are my favorite too. I can definitely help you. Here are 5 of my favorites from this year with short plot synopses:

“Indescribable Pantaloons”- This Russo-Senegalese produced animated film revolves around an aging circus clown who has early stages of Alzheimer’s. Throughout the sprawling story arc, he loses the ability to describe his pants. He spends the whole film asking everyone to look at his pants. It’s a charming classic tale that is rich and wonderful for most viewers; however you may want to shield your children’s eyes at the climactic and gory slaughterhouse scene where our lovable character meets his unexpected demise.

“Whispering”- Set against the backdrop of a reimaging on Revolution Era France, all of the actors in the film whisper their lines throughout its entirety. The dialogue is both imaginative and subtle however it is purposefully hard to hear against a wailing soundtrack of distorted guitars, gunshot effects, bleeps, bloops and jumbled wildlife documentary narration, all of which add certain gravity to each scene. Soundtrack produced by Blue Man Group w/Toby Keith.

“Bar Mitzvah Video”- This is recorded home video of a Jewish male adolescent getting presents he doesn’t want, set against the backdrop of a cheaply decorated catering hall. The film arouses feelings of discontent and disappointment as young Isaac opens his gifts. Expecting to get something more practical, Isaac receives a lamp from his Aunt Barbara and Uncle Seth which triggers a torturous 40 minute scene of sobbing and complaining that should be seen by filmgoers worldwide. Also, the masturbation scene is both breathtaking and thought-provoking.

“Doves of Intermittent Requiesce”- Produced by renowned filmmaker David Lynch and set against the backdrop of a WWII Japanese internment camp, a small child and his best friend, an unemployed social worker with lupus who is from the future, share a wholly pornographic friendship that lasts generations. Against his father’s wishes, our young protagonist must overcome the odds of something which is never revealed to the audience. The brutality and frivolity of it all ultimately makes the film fun for all ages.

“Attenuated Mélange”- Set against the backdrop of a 2002 office party, an ill-tempered, diabetic centaur must choose between his love for his mistress Eelalala, who is portrayed as a frail yet strong willed amnesiac, and his longtime companion, a magical talking harpsichord named Sverdlok. Moments of disturbing and compelling homoerotic gunfights along with scenes of personalized fashion tips make this film a treasure to behold.

Dear Mr. Keaton,

You seem like you are obviously in amazing shape, and I want to know, what is your routine you do every day to keep yourself healthy and so muscular?

Freddie, Marlton


Dear Freddie,

I pride myself on my spectacular physique. I can help you. The Internet has tons of different plans you can use, but they are all crap and don’t work. Here is my world famous EXERCISE MONSTER ROUTINE that I do day in and day out to keep me so damn ripped.

First, you must begin every day by spreading mint jelly all over yourself; this will get the endorphins really going.

Now, the REAL daily routine:
1) Run face first into your oven door; do about 10 reps of that.

2) Drag a wheelbarrow full of dead animals across your lawn with your teeth; do about 10 reps of that.

3) Walk up to metal pole (any will do; traffic light, street light, etc.) and vigorously thrust your pelvis in and out straight into the side of the pole. Be sure to wrap your arms around the pole for maximum balance. It’s good to scream obscenities and taunt any passers-by; this works your abdominals as well. Try to do this for at least a solid 20 minutes. FEEL THAT BURN!

4) Purchase a large brick of ice and smash your ears into the side of it as hard as you can try; do about 40 reps of that per ear.

5) Dig a 6’ x 6’ hole in your front yard. Fill it with broken glass bottles and lots of pudding in any flavor of your choice (I prefer banana). Strip down to your birthday suit and blindly jump into the hole. Now, violently masturbate while singing your favorite country-western songs. Do this for about 30 minutes daily.

For breakfast, lunch and dinner have your delicious protein smoothie. Get out a blender and process 4 hotdogs, half a jar of mayonnaise, a tablespoon of cinnamon, a cup of tepid water and 2-3 Oxycodones (optional).

If this doesn’t work, you are truly a pussy and you should probably cry yourself to death.


Need advice from the mighty Ken Keaton? Send him an email to [email protected] or follow him on twitter @RealKenKeaton



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