Really Late Reviews: Prometheus

Here on, we’re all really busy fuckers with day jobs, usually filled with so many mundane tasks that all we want to do at the end of the day is look into the eyes of a newborn baby kitten and scream. Well, maybe that’s just me, but I digress. We don’t always get the time to sit down and see the newest movies, crank new tunes or read anything that isn’t as instantly gratifying as porn. But eventually, with enough diligence and determination, we get to review all these things and give you our honest opinion of things. So, with all this said, we’ve started Really Late Reviews. This time around, I got to check out Ridley Scott’s Prometheus.

Before you even begin to read this review, if you haven’t seen any movie in the Alien franchise, please close your goddamn browser and move on. This isn’t for you.

The debate has gone on long enough to kill any fanboy’s raging boner but I’m just going to give my two cents on this real quick: this film is NOT a direct sequel to the Alien franchise. With that said, there are definitely numerous similarities to link Prometheus and Scott’s 1979 sci-fi horror masterpiece. Sure, this flick was made to answer questions people have had bottled up in the back of their brains for more than thirty years now, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t also stand alone in originality at times. And for all the movie message board trolls: no matter how much you have mentally invested in a film that is coming out, it’s not your fucking movie. Stop anticipating what the director will or won’t do. Until they make a Kickstarter or Indie GoGo page to fund their next blockbuster and you decide contribute to it, please kindly shut the fuck up and go jerk off with your tears in a cold, dark alley. Damn, that felt good to type.

So, back to the movie. Prometheus takes place in the future, before the events of the original Alien. Scientists on Earth have linked a number of artifacts found across the globe, from different periods through time to visits from extraterrestrial beings, thought to be our creators. Being naive humans, the whole lot of them board a space ship and go to seek out the beings they’ve started calling Engineers. After an ass-load of time in hyper sleep, they finally arrive on the planet they think the Engineers have been hanging out on for millions of years. And shit gets real right off the bat. Scott is a master of building tension through character development and slow plot progression. If you’re someone who needs a Michael Bay-like explosion ever ten minutes, this is not for you. Actually, most movies aren’t for you. Your taste in cinema is god-fucking awful and you should probably stick to watching re-airs of The George Lopez Show and let us adults enjoy the finer things life has to offer.

Prometheus is a gorgeous looking movie. The CGI and sets completely crop dust all over the looks of the original Alien, which people actually found the time to bitch and moan about. Since it does take place before all the other movies in the series and it happens to be the year 2012 and not 1979, of course graphics and film stock will look better than they did decades ago. But just because this is supposed to be a sort of prequel, doesn’t mean Scott or any other director should make the movie look like ass just to mimic the original. Get fucking real, people. But, as ridiculous as the internet tends to be, topics like this tend to me more relevant to people rather than just absorbing an amazing story.

Prometheus, in my opinion, was made to leave you asking just as many questions as it answers throughout its duration. From the infamous Space Jockey to the origins of the “xenomorphs” this movie will fill your fanboy void. Is it as scary or unnerving as Alien? No, and I don’t think any film, past or present, can realistically accomplish that. But if you can appreciate a flick that is sure to be a modern sci-fi classic, then please get to theaters and check out Prometheus before it’s gone. It’ll make you feel bad about trying to impregnate or being impregnated. And this is seriously the only time I can make that claim.

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