Dear Mr. Keaton,
Our infant daughter is constantly having nightmares and we’re really not sure what else to do. The doctor said it was just a phase because of teething but he’s not American so we don’t trust him. Do you have any suggestions?
Elaine and Rick, Weehawken
Elaine and Rick,
I’ve got good news, guys! I’m an expert when it comes to this since I had a lot of traumatic nightmares as a child. And also, I’ve seen some of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Because of this, I can help you.
First, do you have any pits of spikes or bear traps bedside? That tends to increase the anxiety of the child. They are far too young for that kind of intimidation. Start off light. For instance, a shallow pool of acid is a good reminder to stay in the crib.
Secondly, what kind of television programming are you watching with your child? If it’s something scary to them, the images may repeat during sleep. So, try not to watch any of your psychosexual screaming Japanese horror films with them nearby. And, seriously, no Fox News.
What are you feeding this child? Sometimes, diet can play a role in dream formation. Normal baby food is best. Do not try to make your own since you have no idea what you are doing. A celery, mango and Hot Pocket smoothie is not ideal for the infant’s appetite. However, it’s great for an adult’s appetite.
If all of these are in check, I can offer some other helpful hints:
-Replace the ‘giraffes on airplanes’ mobile with something more thought provoking. Perhaps a DIY human centipede mobile. The kid will love it.
-Booze. You need it bad, so obviously so does your baby. But don’t go overboard! Just a little Bailey’s in the Enfamil can do wonders for sleepytime.
-It is not necessary to chain the child into the crib. That metal makes far too much noise and probably scares the child. Instead, use Velcro (Now why didn’t you think of that already?)
So, with the new and unique mobile idea, the spiked baby bottle and a gentler kind of restrictive apparatus; your child will be having dreams of glittering gumdrop fairies riding waves of unicorn semen or whatever the hell babies dream of. And if it doesn’t work, well whatever, the advice was free.
Dear Mr. Keaton,
I’m a really hot 21 year-old model with an amazing rack and an encyclopedic knowledge of all movies and sports. My problem is that I have all these dark red bumps all over my crotch and they really itch. Can you help?
Shelly, Ocean City
I can help you but first I need to put my pants back on. Ok. Good. First off, I don’t know what these bumps are and frankly I don’t want to know. If you’re looking for homemade remedies to clear up your itchy bits, I’m your man. It should be noted though, if they are larger than the size of a dime, I would assume you’ve been cursed by a Filipino sorceress and you’re slowly becoming a troll. It happens more often than not.
Anyways, so you want to get rid of your disgusting crimson pimples? If you have talcum powder and a little ingenuity you can solve almost anything. If you don’t have talcum, some wonderful pure cocaine should be substituted. First, mix either of the powders you have available with some ranch dressing, preferably not store brand. The medicinal powers of ranch dressing are well documented and can be traced all the way back to the Chinese “Duck Xing” Dynasty which was kind of a long time ago.
So, use this spread daily until your crotch fungus clears up. Another homeopathic remedy involves bug spray, plastic wrap, warm mayonnaise, a felt tip pen, a small piece of corrugated fiberboard, 13 strands of midget hair and Caucasian voodoo. However, for your sake and safety let’s just stick to the ranch dressing option.
If this doesn’t seem to work, go ahead and schedule an appointment with a local priest for a routine exorcism. I am beginning to sense a growing epidemic as it seems these ‘red bumps’ are becoming a major concern for not just America, but also some places where foreigners come from. Hopefully we can use the power of prayer to overcome this. Or we could be rational and wait for science to figure it out. It’s probably just your sodium intake; it’s always that anymore.
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