Dear Mr. Keaton,
I’m an elementary school teacher and I have the summers off. I need something new to keep me occupied. Do you have any good suggestions?
Here are 10 of my favorites that I’ve done over the years:
1) Read a good book. I suggest “How to Properly Shit in Public Places without Being Caught” by Anthrax Jones.
2) Get active in the community. Start a dogfighting league for Welsh Corgis at the park.
3) Touch base with old friends. Send ransom notes to parents with children you don’t like. Write “We’ve got your real kid; the one living with you is an alien doppelganger. Smother it immediately.”
4) Become more social. Start going to bars to sing karaoke with intentionally incorrect lyrics. (For instance, replace Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” with “Rolling in DDT”)
5) Try something new for those rainy days. Learn how to cross-stitch celebrity autopsy photos.
6) Get creative. Put out an ad in the newspaper to start a new rock band. At your first real practice with all the members together, tell them all they suck at their instruments and then immediately quit the band.
7) Learn to cook. Chop a bunch of vegetables and then throw them at your car.
8) Get sexual. Make a list of things in your house that you haven’t touched with your genitals yet. Touch listed things with genitals.
9) Try philanthropy. Buy all of your closest friends shiny metallic hair extensions.
10) Get psychopathic. Carve all of your favorite memories into your skin.
I hope these cure your summertime blues!
Dear Mr. Keaton,
I’m supposed to attend a feminist rally/picnic next weekend and I have no idea what to bring. I was thinking a nice and hearty salad. Do you have any health conscious salad recipes for me to use?
I’m glad you and your vaginally proud friends can go out and enjoy the wonderful summer weather. However, you must never forget, summer is a man’s season.
Anyways, here’s a great potato salad recipe I learned from a Turkish man with no feet:
2 lbs. boiled potatoes, diced
2 cups mayonnaise, sifted
6 hard-boiled chicken eggs, chopped
1 can of O’Meyers brand maple flavored syrup
1 half of a KFC biscuit, crumbled
2 tbsp. yellow mustard, scolded
1 can of O’Meyers brand pencil shavings
750 mg ‘legal’ bath salts (preferably Ivory Wave or Purplesaurus Penetration)
1 photograph of Desmond Tutu, admired
1 can of O’Meyers brand Canadian midget blood
42 oz. can of baby squirrel heads in Adobo sauce (Do not use imitation)
1 ounce of dry active yeast, ionized
13 grains of black pepper, unrepentant
Mix in a big ass bowl. Eat or refrigerate within the next 30 minutes. Shit just got real.