Game Review: Minecraft (Xbox 360)

It’s coming to be that time of the year again. The trees are now in full bloom. The sun is shining and the summer drought for video games has begun. All the hardcore gamers across every type of genre (except MMORPG’s. fuck those) know that once the end of May rolls around, most game developers are gearing up for the E3 convention and will most likely wait to release their top titles until the fall and through the holiday season. So what is a gamer supposed to do? Let’s face it: none of us are going outside to get a tan or socialize with the general population. We aren’t the types to head to the park or beach to enjoy a fun-filled afternoon of athletics and exercise. So what is there to do? One word…Minecraft.

For anyone who isn’t hip to the jive (or whatever that shit means), Minecraft is an 8-bit styled, first person sandbox game created by Swedish game developers at  Mojang that originated on PC and Mac.  After quite some time, the planets aligned and someone was awesome enough to port this over to the Xbox 360 and I’ve been cranking on it even since. And before I get into why this game is amazing and if it were a hot chick I would propose to it in a heart beat, just get one thing straight. If you have zero imagination, please don’t waste your time with this. If you’re an achievement whore who intends to play a game from start to finish and move on, leaving the once innocent and new product completely used and left for dead, don’t waste your time with this. The most amazing thing about Minecraft is there is no point to the game. One might add, “what the fuck does that mean?”. There is literally nothing in the game telling you where to go or what do to. And that’s goddamn amazing.

You can spend hours upon hours mining various elements and resources to literally build whatever you want and interact with a world that doesn’t care that you happen to be 35 and live in your parents basement rent free. It’s the ultimate freedom one can have in a video game. Want to build a boat and sail around the map, raping and pillaging like mother fucking Columbus? Go for it (even though history may judge you in the future). Want to build a giant castle shaped like a penis wearing a mustache? Want to beat the piss out of innocent animals and monsters with a shovel from sun up until sun down? The world is literally your canvas. Just beware that some of the fuckers in the game happen to be complete assholes and blow up things you’ve spent weeks working on, eventually leading you into a downward spiral of misery and depression, losing hope in life and rejecting friends and family that have cared for you so dearly all your life.

So what else can possibly be in a game that will release your creative beast? Well, for one thing, it has one of the most peaceful soundtracks that has ever been added to a game. Having a bad day and the only thing that will make you feel better is the pain and misfortune of others around you? Minecraft has the tunes to calm the savage beast within you. Also, it makes it just a little less horrifying when you’re getting your 8-bit face torn off by spiders, skeletons, zombies and the dreaded creepers. And the single most awesome feature that they could have added is the drop-in/drop-out multiplayer for you and your friends who will most likely fuck up everything you’ve been constructing since the dawn of time. But isn’t that what friends are for? So for only 1600 Microsoft points you and up to eight douchey people that you happen to have the pleasure of calling your friends can fuck shit up in an 8-bit open world that would have given Super Mario a life-long boner. With all this said, please take the time to check out Minecraft and remember, once you’ve spent days creating castles and mine cart tracks, farms and tunnels, your real shitty life that is less interesting still awaits you!

Punching livestock in the face like a boss,

Jersey John

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