Ask Ken Keaton: Advice for Everyday Life #3

Dear Mr. Keaton,

I have a serious crush on this girl that works at Starbucks, whenever I actually make eye contact I look away because I’m shy. She’s so cool. How can I get her to like me or even notice me?

Ronnie, Elizabeth



This is a question I get asked often. Surely, I can help you. Here are a few quick, surefire pickup lines to use for female Starbucks employees. Make sure you say them loud and assertively; as those coffee machines can sometimes be very loud. Next time you see her, say one of the following:

-What on the menu comes with a side of handjob?

-Do you believe in angels? Cool, what about goblins?

-I just drove here in my Bentley. Take your time to make my coffee; however, don’t be alarmed by my phone ringing as I am waiting for a call from the President of Earth. I hope you don’t mind if I pay with you with my Olympic gold medals.

-I need to make a special request that’s not on the menu; I would like your phone number. Oh yeah, and nude photos of you.

-Hurry! We must have dirty bathroom sex or an evil mastermind will incinerate all the kittens in the world!

-I don’t want to give you a tip; I want to give you the whole thing, baby!

-This coffee would be better if we fucked.

-If you don’t go on a date with me, I will kill your family.

If none of these works, you obviously weren’t talking loud enough.


Dear Mr. Keaton,

My name is Leslie and I’m 23 years old. I have a tough time getting dates. My last real boyfriend was over 2 years ago and he dumped me to join the Navy. My appearance is not too appealing to men I guess. I’m over 6 feet tall and I weigh about 180 lbs, but that’s only because I’m training to be a champion bodybuilder. I can powerlift a good 350lbs no problem. I guess my muscles can be intimidating to some. What should I do? Should I try to be more feminine again and give up on my dreams just to get a date?

Leslie, Barnegat Bay




After I read your letter, I almost broke down and cried. Not because of the letter, but because I sat on one of my balls. I should warn you Leslie, I’m high as fuck right now. I just got back from a disco rave party and I took several pills of who-knows-what to make the bus ride home a little more tolerable. So…wait. Wait a minute. No, never mind. I thought Wall-E was in my sunroom eating pistachios again. Maybe he is there. Lemme check…

Nope, it’s just my cat Lazlo. Wall-E is a cartoon movie about fallopian tubes. I didn’t notice this before but Lazlo’s face apparently melted into the face of Dr. Doom during the day today. Such a cool cat. I just ate what I think was an entire cake. Just now. It was delicious. I think. Anyways, I can help you.

To answer your question, the dot matrix printer was probably the 2nd best invention of Thomas Edison. I should figure out how to make the space goat in the corner of the room laugh again. His laugh makes me laugh too. Hey, wouldn’t it be amazing if you were reincarnated as a talking lawnmower that was the bouncer in a bar full of demonic nuns? And the demonic nuns keep vomiting bones and tar on each other? Apparently, I can’t get the kind of reasonable health insurance coverage that most wizards have if I don’t keep perfectly still. Be right back. Wow, I just built a rope bridge out of caramel and thumbtacks from my sofa to the flight deck. And I just won first prize at life. To answer your question more clearly, your best bet is probably to shave your mustache.

Need more advice for everyday life? Ask Ken Keaton here.

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