After working in a local grocery store in New Jersey for more than four years, I can’t even begin to tell you all the fucked up shit I’ve seen people do while food shopping, or whatever it is you weirdo’s do in a grocery store. I’ve come up with ten completely horrible and hilarious things I’ve seen over the years that you probably shouldn’t repeat.
1. Talk on your phone while checking out. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve wanted to punch someone in the face over the counter for being on their phone. If I’m here trying to do my job and you’re yapping away with your boyfriend/girlfriend about your fucking dog, I’m going to overcharge the shit out of you.
2. Lick your fingers then hand me your money. One word, herpes.
3. Buy dog ice cream for your children. Dude, it’s called frosty PAWS for a reason. There’s a picture of a fucking dog licking ice cream on the cover. Why would you think this was okay to give to your children? Why not just give ‘em a can of Alpo while you’re at it? Dumb broad.
4. Bring back a half eaten Ice Cream Cake and tell me it’s bad. This bitch brings me a huge sheet cake, made of ice cream, and it’s clearly half eaten and perfectly fine, and tries to tell me it was freezer burned and she would like her money back. Do I look retarded? I guess I do, if you think I’m going to believe your bullshit story for more than one second. Go back to the hole you crawled out of with your fucking ice cream cake.
5. Not bring enough money and then ask the cashier to spot you. What the fuck do you think I’m working for, to pass the time? I’m not giving you shit, but the Twinkies back motherfucker.
6. Take an axe shower. If you don’t have time for a real shower before heading to work, don’t come in and open up a can of axe and fucking bathe in it. First of all, you’re better off smelling like BO than axe. Women will probably (definitely) want to throw up in your general direction. Second of all, maybe you should fucking pay for it now that you’ve used 3/4ths of the bottle?
7. Call the female cashier baby, sweetie, babe, etc. I ain’t your fucking babe, don’t touch me. Don’t stare at my tits or ass. I’m not afraid to beat the shit out of you with the broom you just purchased. Actually, I’ll shove it so far up your own ass it’ll come out your eyeballs. Kay, babe?
8. Ride around in the motorized cart and go on a demolition derby. Well actually, I would totally do this. Just don’t get caught.
9. Not wear a bra. Lady, you’re 300+lbs and your boobs are at your knees. On top of all of that, you’re wearing a childrens Taylor Launter shirt. I’m actually throwing up in my mouth having to picture this again. Do you not own a mirror?
10. Return something you clearly didn’t buy at that store. Why on earth is it okay to return another store’s store brand soup to my store? And then on top of it, fight with me for 20 minutes about how you swear you couldn’t have bought it anywhere else. The customer is usually never right, don’t question me, bitch.