Dear Mr. Keaton,
I’m 29 and I have problems attracting women. I’d like to think I have a good personality, and I’m not that bad looking. However, every girl I talk to seems to look away or lose interest whenever I talk about Darkpiss, my level 80 battlemage in World of Warcraft. I don’t know what to do. The game occupies at least 6 hours of each day and it’s what I’m passionate about. I thought girls these days were supposed to be into gamers and nerds. What should I do?
Elliot Kapernick, West Windsor
Probably getting out of your stepmom’s basement and seeing the sun would be a start. Drink something other than Diet Mountain Dew too. Other than that dumb game you mentioned, the only other game you probably play is strangling the flesh snake right? I can help you.
While today’s ladies are considered to be more “nerdy” and more into the gamer culture, you must remember that they are still women. Women love guys that are assholes. Steal your stepmom’s credit cards, get a barbed wire tattoo, try to grow a chin-strap beard, and use about a half-bottle of Axe body spray on yourself. I know it smells like musky dumpster farts but it’ll be worth it. After this, when you see that hot girl you want at the bar, walk up to her and say something like “What’s up?” or “Hey.” She’ll immediately be attracted to you as long as you don’t mention anything about your stunted growth or back pimples. Convince her that you train as a MMA fighter during the day and that you DJ at night. Don’t waste your time talking about your friends in Goblinland or whatever.
Tell her you like her shirt, buy her another drink and then make your move. And by making a move, I don’t mean pulling out your Staff of Wizardshit and casting a love spell. I mean grab something. Women are full of curves, so use your shaky virgin hands and grab something. If you played your cards right, she’ll think you’re an asshole and you’re in. If not, I’m sure one of her fat friends will have to do. It has to beat imagining that Pikachu is giving you a handjob for the 800th time.
Dear Mr. Keaton,
I just got super excited about my smoothie and stuck my hand in the blender so hard that now I have a bleeding stumpy hand covered in mango and carrot pulp. I bandaged it up with duct tape but I don’t have health insurance and I can’t go to the hospital. What can I do?
Mark Freunland, New Brunswick
First and foremost, RELAX! If you are still conscious that means that demons have yet to make your bed in hell. I can help you. Move #1 is to sanitize that sumbitch. Got Clorox? That works. Boil up about a gallon of that and pour it onto your hand. It will not only cauterize the wound but will prevent mildew. After that, you’re going to want to think long term. You need to regenerate all those lost cells, and what better way than to use mayonnaise. It’s not just for tuna salad anymore. Get that jar, open it up and keep your hand in there for about 4-5 hours. That smell means it is working!
If by that time you don’t have delicious new fingers, you’re best bet is to take a nap. This could all be a dream, in which case you will wake up hand intact. However, I can assure you that this is not a dream and while you sleep peacefully, magic finger elves will not repair your mangled digits with fairy dust. That shit don’t happen no more. Especially since elves are only covered under some HMO’s.
So, if after the bleach bath, the mayo soak and the 40 winks your hand isn’t back to normal; it might be a good idea to call the police and claim that someone broke into your house and forced your hand into the blender. Also say that they stole your TV stand to make it sound plausible. This way, you’ll be in newspaper and the community might chip in and start a new hand fund for you. Or you can try and make your own with some glue and small sticks. Either way, good luck! And just make sure you continue to RELAX!
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