Movies That Don’t Suck: Safe House

This afternoon I finally got to head back to the movies for the first time in a while. Don’t get me wrong, there are tons of movies I should be watching on a monthly basis, but my ass has been working midnights for over a month and that shit sucks the life out of you. After being out of a theater for quite some time, I figured viewing a movie that had two actors that I particularly enjoy seeing wasn’t a bad thing. So I decided to check out Safe House, a quasi-political action flick starring Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington.

Before I start about why I enjoyed this flick so much, just know that it’s nothing new and exciting that claims to change the world of cinema for eons to come. This isn’t a movie that will stand the test of times and make film critics’ dicks harder than the first time they saw Apocalypse Now. And if that’s something you’re looking for at this point in time, please take your holier-than-thou, film-loving hipster ass somewhere else, where you can enjoy the splendor of a plastic bag floating through the fucking air.

So Safe House is about a dude (Reynolds) who operates a safe house for the CIA in South Africa and is literally bored half to death because he hasn’t had any guests come by to protect (even though he’s banging some hot French chick). Enter some other dude (Washington) who is an ex-CIA intelligence prodigy who apparently went off the grid and started selling national secrets (probably about closet cross dressers) to different agencies around the globe. This has obviously pissed a lot of people off and they come after him to kill him. Having nowhere else to turn, he eventually ends up at a U.S. Consulate where he is inadvertently transferred the safe house Reynolds is at. Some shit goes down and Washington and Reynolds are on the run for their lives.  Again, I never said this shit was original.

Some shitty picture that came up when I Google'd "Safe House"

What I enjoyed so much about this film is that it actually takes Ryan Reynolds out of the “quirky, funny, I’m going to be that likable asshole” role that he’s always type cast into every goddamn movie. He holds his own as a serious actor and it’s refreshing to see him in something that you wouldn’t take a shitty first date to. And, as always, Denzel Washington is being his usual badass self. I haven’t been this excited to see him in action since he shoved a shotgun up some dudes ass in Man On Fire.

And I know what a lot of critics are already going to start crying about. Yes, there are a lot of similarities to the Bourne series in terms of shooting, fight scenes and a whole load of other stuff they should shut the fuck up about. But what this film has over the Bourne crap is two actors that surprisingly complement each other rather well. Oh, and you don’t have to see Matt Damon’s retarded looking face. Or that pasty faced chick who was in Save The Last Dance. Fuck her too.

So, if you’re looking for a solid action flick with above average drama and perfectly cast roles, please go check out Safe House if you get the chance. And if there’s nothing else you can appreciate, remember, at least it’s not trying to pretend its the best fucking movie you’ve ever seen (like Moneyball or some other bullshit).

Still a better actor than Jonah Hill

Pros: Strong lead roles, constant action and no soppy love story to fuck everything up.

Cons: All the people who will try and compare this to other action movies. Please kill yourselves.


Until next time, I seriously fucking hate Jonah Hill,

Jersey John


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