It’s that moment everyone’s been waiting for. You are full of just enough booze that you don’t do into cardiac arrest. You’ve eaten about 3 dozen of those tiny hotdogs wrapped in dough. Your TV has been tuned to Times Square since noon. It’s fucking New Year’s Eve! As the time winds down and we all watch shitty celebrities sing and dance as millions of drunk people pee in public, I wonder: how is this any different than last year? The end of the year claims to signify an “out with the old, in with the new” sort of mentality for millions of people nationwide but actually is just more of the same crap that 2011 had to offer. But, in keeping with the mantra of perhaps not being a bigger dick over the next 12 months, here are a few of my New Year’s Resolutions:
1) Eat less shit: Because let’s face it, it’s something that most of us should be doing. Personally, I enjoy way too many burgers and bags of Doritos on a regular basis. It wouldn’t be a half bad idea to run a train on some salads and fruit a little more often. But if you think I’m giving up eating dead animals to better myself physically and spiritually, you’re out of your goddamn mind.
2) Stop yelling at kids on Xbox: If you’ve been coming to the website for a while, then you’d know that The PHAT Man and myself are avid gamers. But with enjoying the artistic splendor and graphic amazement that are video games comes playing with little dickheads whose parents obviously don’t love them enough to tell them that calling people “fags” online is not a nice thing. So, instead of getting angry enough to where I need blood pressure medication, I’ll just find out where they live and hire a circus clown to stand outside their bedroom windows a few nights a week. That should form all sorts of complexes.
3) Not expecting my life to be any different: How many times do you hear people say every December 31st “next year is going to be the year my life changes…”? And not before long, the same sad bastard who spoke of their divine revelation is blowing some dude for nickels. Most of us on planet Earth live mediocre lives. If on any given day we aren’t ran off the road, shot, stabbed or literally killed from extreme boredom, then I think we’ve lived to the best of our abilities. Expecting to win the lottery, found some multi-million dollar business endeavor or travel the world seeing it in all of its splendor is probably less as likely to happen than seeing Dick Clark make a stunning recovery. Just be happy with the same old nonsense and be thankful you’re not someone’s skin suit at the end of the day.
So, while you’re still sobering up from this past weekend’s binge drinking and eating, remember to live life to it’s fullest, get your obese ass to the gym and accomplish all of your life’s goals because the world’s ending in just a few short months.
Fuck the Mayans,