There are many holiday traditions that families build on each and every year. One of them, over the past decade is to give not one fuck and go out to the movies. These are the same theaters that are operated by people who have families and loved ones of their own that they would much rather be spending time with, but instead are stuck watching your ugly children cram their fat faces with candy and soda.
And with the passing of every holiday season, there are a number of shit-tastic films that we have been exposed to, due to their considerations to be timeless classics or the fact that someone actually thought it would be funny to put Tim Allen in a fat suit. Either way, here are what we consider the worst holiday movies of all time (and A Christmas Story isn’t one of them, so please quit your bitching):
#3: Fred Claus
The premise of the movie just speaks to why it’s a giant holiday turd. Meet Fred Claus, Santa’s bitter brother, who is forced to move to the North Pole due to some ridiculous life problems. Santa is in a real bind and needs help from Fred in order to save the day and rescue the holiday from what would turn the entire holiday into the worst Christmas ever (whatever the fuck that means). The movie is entirely predictable and in the end (and to no shock to me) everything ends up being right in the world and everyone sings, dances and shits candy canes. And Paul Giamatti sucks balls as Santa.
#2: Jingle All The Way
A lot of things anger me about the holidays. Not being the most festive of people on Earth, I’ll never understand why people must go out each and every year and beat each other to near death for that perfect gift (which they won’t enjoy after their dead, just saying). Jingle All The Way just emphasizes all of that commercial bullshit Christmas is now known for. And to make matters worse, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a horrible father who is too busy to give a flying fuck about his son and family. So how does he make it up to him? He does on a retarded mission to get him the best present ever (instead of just being a better father). Again, being one of those “everything turns out just fine at the end” Hollywood shit-storms, when all is said and done Arnold is the world’s #1 dad and only 9252342 people had to die in the process.
#1: Home Alone
What many may consider a timeless 90’s holiday classic is actually the worst offender for crappy holiday cinema. The whole premise of the movie is ridiculous. Kevin (played by the stupidly named Macaulay Culkin), the youngest in the family, is accidentally left at home while his entire family flies to France for the holidays (fucking rich white people). While the family forgets about his existence, Kevin is left to defend his home from a couple of burglars. Scene after scene goes by, displaying Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern getting their asses handed to them by traps that wouldn’t Helen Keller on a bad day. When all is said and done, the only things that are learned are being a shitty parent has zero consequences and this kid would be dead in the first day or two if it were real life (robbers usually carry firearms).
So there you have it. Three holiday movies you’ve probably cherished over the years that in retrospect actually suck a lot of ass. Then again, Twilight hasn’t come out with a Christmas movie…yet. And that’s what we’re saving the last bullet for. Until tomorrow fuckers!