Game Review: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

A Shitty attempt at internet humor

For gamers this is always a tough season, especially for those with lack of funds. If you happen to be ballin out of control like myself, you just buy them all and sort out the bullshit later on. Whatever the case may be, there is one game that immediately hooked me from the opening scene: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. And before I get started, this game is really not for those who want mindless fun, shooting bitches in the face and driving cars full of C4 into a crosswalk full of nuns (or whatever you find entertaining). Call of Duty junkies or those addicted to every goddamn copy of Madden ever created should back away slowly and make no direct eye contact with Skyrim, in fear of having their brains melt inside their skulls.

Just so we’re clear, this isn’t your typical RPG. There isn’t some asshole AI telling you what to do every step of the way. There is literally nothing holding you back and you can do whatever you please. But like anything else in life, there are usually consequences (I found this out the hard way when I set fire to a random chicken). And like any other day in New Jersey, everyone hates you and wants you to die a painful and horrible death, probably at the end of a pit full of poison spikes (yeah that shit happens too). Kill, be killed, load the game and kill other people. All so you don’t go out and do it in real life.

That part in the game where your hero just shat their pants

Right after the opening scene that loosely sets up the storyline, you bust out into the woods to make your mark on the world. The greatest part about Skyrim is the simple fact that there are literally thousands of different ways to play. If you want to keep on the main story line, do it. If you wanna roam the woods committing animal genocide with lightning bolts and war hammers, fucking do it. There are so many things going on in this game, you can waste hours upon hours creating the most badass weapon the kingdom has ever seen, massacring scores of people and their families or go around picking berries. Seriously, whatever floats your boat.

The battle system is pretty much the same as Skyrim’s predecessor Oblivion. You have your swords, axes, war hammers and the ability to shoot fire and frost missiles from your hands, all in the name of vanquishing your enemies (or that fucking chicken). Leveling up is also just as varied, allowing you to choose from a wide variety of skills that will help you in your journeys to rape the faces off of as many creatures you can. Pick one and go nuts. Pick a few and be well rounded. The world is your oyster (what does that shit even mean?).

Despite popular belief, you can't kill her in the game

A word of warning for people who plays for hours on end: SAVE THE GAME! As anyone who has played previous Bethesda games, shit just glitches out and freezes. And nothing is worse than crawling through a dungeon for a couple hours, only to have your game kirk out like Stephen Hawking at a spelling bee.

Needless to say, I’m having a badass time with this game. I’ve been balls-deep in Skyrim for about two weeks now and it has enough variety to keep anyone jonesing for an RPG that isn’t as gay as telling people you belong to a warriors guild in World of Warcraft busy for quite some time. So quit your job, break up with your girlfriend and sell your pets on Craigslist, because you’re gonna need the extra time to see how far you can cram a broad sword up a Frost Troll’s taint.

Why the fuck does there have to be man-eating spiders in every goddamn medieval game ever created?,

Jersey John

Share this bitch!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.