Are You F*#&king Me?: Bachmann to Can Dept. of Education

Here at we aren’t advocates for much. Quite frankly, we can usually give a rats ass about what you do in your lives. We tend to have a live/let live attitude about a lot of shit that occurs in the world. One of them is your children. Seriously, for all we care, you can teach your kids to fetch with a turkey leg and train them to pee on newspaper when you’re not home. It’s your prerogative to decide whether your offspring ends up becoming a successful member of society or a freelance mime at the regional circus. But one thing that is extremely important to our kick ass country is the United States Dept. of Education.

In a nutshell, here is its function (taken from Wikipedia, the source of all good college writing):

The primary functions of the Department of Education are to “establish policy for, administer and coordinate most federal assistance to education, collect data on US schools, and to enforce federal educational laws regarding privacy and civil rights. The Department of Education does not establish schools or colleges.

Sounds pretty legit right? The government doing a whole bunch of shit to make sure schools are meeting standards for learning and to ensure teachers aren’t forcing your already educationally deprived children to eat dog turds during recess. Apparently not to Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann. Hailing from the state of Minnesota (where hopes and dreams go to die) she claims to know what’s best for America, like homeschooling your kids. Or why not send them to the charter school that Bachmann co-founded but then later resigned from for violating state regulations by pushing a religious curriculum.

Trust me, I’m all for teaching your offspring in whatever manner you deem appropriate, but taking away a government entity that helps fund schools that would otherwise be glorified mental rehabilitation facilities just sounds like a bad idea. And to parents who think that they know whats best for the creatures they created after a hardcore night of Scrabble and wine coolers: you didn’t spend over 5 years of your life to become a teacher (unless you did, then ignore this next part). These men and women could have become accountants, lawyers or pursued a number of other professions that pay a fuck-ton better and have less bullshit. But NOOOO, they decided to educate your little asshole kids in the off-chance they will become better people. So you might ask: why would Michele Bachmann take away the agency that throws them a bone?

Because she’s a fucking lunatic, plain and simple. Aside from being an evangelical nutjob, she wants to disband the Dept. of Environmental Protection, thinks global warming is a hoax and believes intelligent design should be taught next to evolution in public schools (essentially “teabagging” separation of church and state haha get it?). And it also seems there’s a direct correlation between intelligence and what comes out of people’s mouths. Here are a couple of my favorite Bachmann-isms:

“Not all cultures are equal.”

“We’re running out of rich people in this country.”

And here's a nice degrading pic for good measure...

So when the day comes where your children are in their public schools sharing text books due to cut funding for anything that’s not a Christian school, reading about how Jesus rode a T-Rex to victory and defeated the Democrats and their Socialized medicine, remember you fuckers asked for it.

I’ll be reading as much as I can before they start burning books,

Jersey John

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