Why Everywhere (Including Suburbia) Sucks: Rural Areas

Home sweet home. I think.

Let’s get one thing straight: I enjoy all walks of life. All different environments have their pros and cons (except living in Alaska, fuck that). Cities, rural areas, deserts, plains and all that other shit in between can be awesome places to visit with friends, family and even when you need to blow some frequent flier miles (or hide from the government for whatever it is you did). But everywhere sucks. No longer is there a place on Earth that is a safe haven from all that is ignorant, congested or otherwise whole fuckload of nothingness. So this is why everywhere (including suburbia) sucks:

Lets start with rural areas (a.k.a. farm towns) or any other locale that’s devoid of life . Sure life can be new and exciting if you like sitting on a porch talking about the days of yore, hiking treacherous terrain or just killing renegade animals and harvesting their bodies for sustianence. But most of us aren’t up to that. The bulk of the population is just fine buying groceries from corporate-owned supermarkets, paying 5000% above the original value. For most people living here, the highlight of their day is artifically inseminating a horse, and that’s just sad.

Live action Farmville. And just as exciting.

But you know what sane people don’t like to do? Walk 20 goddamn miles, uphill both ways to anything that resembles civilization. Actually, deserts are the exact same shit. Except the animals wait for you to die and then eat you (unless you’re in a live action re-enactment of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, then it’s the other way around). And what what’s with all these “farmer’s” markets? Just sell your shit to corporations already! The majority of the general population is just fine eating genetically engineered corn that’s bigger and harder than the Incredible Hulk’s dick so get over it!

I know that you’re thinking: “This guy’s a douche!” and fair enough for thinking that. The American farmer gets a bad enough rap for growing corn for ethanol (which doesn’t make gas ANY FUCKING CHEAPER). But lets move along to deserts. Aside from the vast nothingness that describes a desert, us Americans back in the 1940’s-50’s thought it was super fucking cool to blow up nukes and a whole mess of other crap just for shits and giggles. Genius idea: lets put on some old school shades and watch from a distance while we turn some sand to glass! Then we can weaponize the bastard, drop it on Japan and go “ooooops”. And then the entire place gets a stigma for being a safe haven for cannibalistic mutants, all thanks to one movie from the 1970’s. And then there are the crazies who think UFO’s landed in New Mexico (but they are of a whole other breed completely).

And you wonder why your cousin's brother's ex-girlfriend's dog has an extra set of balls...

So, the worst has happened, and you realize you’re from either the desert or a rural area somewhere in the world. What do you do? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING! Consider it taking one for the team and just holding down the fort until civilization crumbles upon itself. Then the rest of us will run screaming from our homes to your farm/desert/area unscathed from plague and/or zombies, praising it at as a refuge from the horrors we have all witnessed. That is until we can rebuild the cities. Then we’ll condemn your way of life, pee in your crops and then bail. Until next time…

Where you live sucks ass,

Jersey John

Share this bitch!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.